He won’t change unless he wants to. If his partner confronts his verbal battering, if she recognizes it for what it is, if she asks for change and he refuses, if his attitude is, as one abuser put it, “I can say anything I want!” the partner may realize that he can say anything he wants, however, she may also realize that there is nothing heroic about staying around to hear it.
— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 34
If you don’t like what you are thinking, particularly if it is harmful to you or others, you can change it! What a simple idea. But is it really possible? Indeed it is. And it doesn’t mean living in a state of denial about “reality.” It means only that we don’t have to harbor any thought, bad or good….
Once I got over the initial resistance, a resistance that was fueled by fears of new behavior, I began to see that this knowledge — that we choose our thoughts and always have, even those hideously mean-spirited ones — can be very empowering. For instance, it means that no one can put us down and hold us there. It means that no one can make us a failure at anything we try. It means that we are as smart as our willingness to do the footwork. It means that we can change any experience we might be having in the middle of it! All we have to do is change what is in our mind….
The fact is, we can free ourselves from the past and from any thought that hasn’t comforted us. When your thoughts no longer fit your reality, change them! You may have to keep working at it, keep challenging your thoughts and ensuring that they’re not holding you hostage to some outdated picture of the world, but the choice is always yours. In every moment, we get to choose.
— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 33-37
Novelists are geniuses when it comes to looking at trees. We’re very good at staying still and seeing what comes next….
If staring ever becomes an Olympic event I’ll be bringing home the gold. While other people go to work, I stare out the window. I stare at my dog. I stare at blank pieces of paper and paragraphs and single sentences and a buzzing computer screen. Hours and hours of my day are spent with my eyes glazed over, thinking, waiting, trying to figure things out. The muse is a sweet idea, like the tooth fairy. The muse supposedly comes down like lighting and fills your fingers with the necessary voltage to type up something brilliant. But nobody ever made a living depending on a muse. The rest of us have to go out and find our inspiration, write and rewrite, stare and stare and stare until we know which way to turn.
— Ann Patchett, What Now? p. 43-45
Verbal abuse defines people in some negative way, and it creates emotional pain and mental anguish when it occurs in a relationship. . . .Â
Any statement that tells you what, who, or how you are, or what you think, feel, or want, is defining you and is, therefore, abusive. Such statements suggest an invasion of your very being, as if to say, “I’ve looked within you and now I’ll tell you what you want, feel, etc.” Similarly, threats are verbally abusive because, like torture, they attempt to limit your freedom to choose and thus to define yourself. Of course, if you have defined yourself to someone, “I’m Suzy’s Mom,” and that person says, “That’s Suzy’s Mom,” they are affirming or validating what you have said. On the other hand, verbal abuse is a lie told to you or told to others about you. If you believe the lie, it would lead you to think that you are not who you are or that you are less than you are. . . .
Another common way the abuser defines his partner is by walking away when she is asking a question, or mentioning something, or even in the middle of a conversation. By withholding a response, he defines her as nonexistent. . . .
Defining statements are the opposite of affirmations, which are positive statements that confirm what we know and value about ourselves. For example, when a man says, “I hear you. I understand,” even if he does not agree with you, he validates or confirms what you have expressed to him. If, however, he says, “You’re too sensitive,” or “Where did you get a crazy idea like that,” he invalidates and defines you.
— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?, p. 5-6
There is no revenge as sweet as living a joyful life.
— Dr. Shirley P. Glass, PhD, NOT “Just Friends”
Blame is a way we lie to ourselves. It is not just a way of refusing to look at who we are or avoiding responsibility. It is also a defense against knowing our pain. To face that pain is to begin to mourn what was too overwhelming to be mourned before. To face it and not blame it on the person who happened to stir it up is certainly the road less taken.
— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self, p. 36-37
Once you buy the evangelical born-again “Jesus saves” mantra, the idea that salvation is a journey goes out the window. You’re living in the realm of a magical formula. It seems to me that the Orthodox idea of a slow journey to God, wherein no one is altogether instantly “saved” or “lost” and nothing is completely resolved in this life (and perhaps not in the next), mirrors the reality of how life works, at least as I’ve experienced it.
— Frank Schaeffer, Crazy for God, p. 390
Community is an antidote to the poisonous American consumerist “me” and “I want” life that leads to isolation and unhappiness.
— Frank Schaeffer, Crazy for God, p. 389
Reading the Bible with others does not mean only that we read together in a small group, or that we read commentaries to benefit from the wisdom of great teachers, or that we listen to the Bible read and reflected on in worship or other gatherings. It also means reading the Bible through the lens of others’ experiences, in the knowledge of others’ stories, in the midst of immersion in others’ lives. For all this is in the service of loving God and loving one another. It is not to make us more knowledgeable about the Bible’s text, although that is helpful. It is not to make us more culturally sophisticated, although that is a benefit. It is to plunge us deeper into life with God, and therefore deeper into life with one another, that we might take one more step toward the beloved, all-inclusive community centered in Christ.
— Richard J. Foster, Life with God, p. 105-106
Although we may be beginning to understand that our Story is just a Story and not the Truth, it still can feel a little risky to be tampering with it. Adaptive beings that we are, we’ve figured out how to tolerate the limiting story. We know our way around that territory, and we know what to expect from it. When we open ourselves up to a new possibility, a new Story, we often fear we’re opening ourselves up to false hope. What if nothing changes? Then we will have to face disappointment which we could have avoided by sticking with the old Story. I agree that it’s risky. It takes courage to move toward what you want, to come out of the cultural trance and wholeheartedly go after what matters to you. . . .
When we orient our lives around what we most care about, we see new ways of being that we were blind to when we were focused on eradicating the problem. I invite you to refrain from attending to something that needs to be fixed. Instead, try looking at what you care about and what you really want.
The bottom line: It’s All Story. Abundance is a Story. Scarcity is a Story. Yes, there are facts supporting both of them, but remember that it isn’t the facts that shape our lives — it’s our Stories.
— Victoria Castle, The Trance of Scarcity, p. 44-46