Upgrading Your Stories

Healing, Life, Story, Truth 0

When we upgrade, we are trading . . . Story for Story.  We’re not trying to convince ourselves we can change the truth about ourselves by reciting endless affirmations.  That hardly respects our intelligence and, furthermore, it doesn’t work.  As long as we hold that something is the truth, it is unchangeable.  As soon as we recognize it for what it is, however, a story, the story buffer line is open and we can help ourselves to a better one.

Regarding our Stories, the question is never “Is it true?” because it can’t be true; it’s just a Story.  The question also isn’t “Is it the right Story?” because that implies there’s only one correct choice.  The most helpful question is “Is this Story useful?”  Given what I care about, what I want to contribute, and what matters to me, is the story I’m telling myself a useful one?  Most of us constantly replay hundreds of inherited default Stories that trample our life energy and steal our peace of mind.

— Victoria Castle, The Trance of Scarcity:  Stop Holding Your Breath and Start Living Your Life, p. 35-36

The Present

Joy, Life 0

Never, in peace or war, commit your virtue or your happiness to the future.  Happy work is best done by the man who takes his long-term plans somewhat lightly and works from moment to moment “as to the Lord.” It is only our daily bread that we are encouraged to ask for.  The present is the only time in which any duty can be done or any grace received.

— C. S. Lewis, “Learning in War-Time” (The Weight of Glory), quoted in A Year with C. S. Lewis, p. 323

Miracles

Gratitude, Life, Story 0

It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday season — like all the other seasons — is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them.

— Lemony Snicket, The Lump of Coal

Forgiveness as a Way of Being

Forgiveness, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

Forgiveness is an aspect of the workings of love.  It can be a bridge back from hatred and alienation as well as a liberation from two kinds of hell: bitterness and victimhood on one side; guilt, shame, and self-recrimination on the other.  The wish to repair a wounded relationship, whether it takes the form of forgiveness, apology, or some other bridging gesture, is a basic human impulse.  The need to forgive — which may grow out of understanding, gratitude, sympathy, regret over the hurt one has caused, or simply a wish to reunite — may be as strong as the need to be forgiven, even if it comes upon us more subtly.

All sustained relationships depend to some extent on forgiveness.  Successful marriage means an inevitable round of disappointment, anger, withdrawal, repair.  People hurt each other no matter how much love they share, and it’s a truism that the greatest hurts are meted out by the closest of intimates.  No friendship, no marriage, no family connections of any kind would last if the silent reparative force of forgiveness were not working almost constantly to counteract the incessant corrosive effects of resentment and bitterness, which would otherwise tear us apart.  Without forgiveness there could be no allowance for human frailty.  We would keep moving on, searching for perfect connections with mythical partners who would never hurt or disappoint.  In that sense, forgiveness should be thought of not only as a discrete event but also as a way of being.

— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection, p. 5-6

Choosing to Let Go

Letting Go 0

You always have the choice between hanging on and letting go.  Next time you’re beginning to feel overly victimized by life, practice saying, “So what?” to yourself and feel the anxiety drop away.

— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 22

By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them

Life, Truth 0

You can only distinguish truth from error in one way: namely, by the fruits that follow in your own life and the lives of those who proclaim what they call truth.  That is, if the new illumination gives you the power to love and trust God more than you did before; to love all your fellow men in the One Body of Mankind; and to long to treat them only as you wish to be treated yourself; this is how you may discern the truth.  If you are able to love even those who wound your feelings and misconstrue your intentions; to accept it all with no resentment, bitterness, or self-pity, but with praise and thanksgiving, just as Jesus would; if this new belief raises you to a still higher level of love than you had reached before, then you may be sure that what you have seen is not false, but a part of a higher truth that you have not yet seen fully. . . .

It is possible, however, that in the future you may believe that you have been shown a yet higher facet of truth and find yourself reacting to reproaches and misunderstanding with resentment or anger.  You may begin to feel superior to others and to forget that even those who attack you are members of the One Body of Mankind in whom the Lord of Love is also conscious.  You may begin to belittle or to denounce them and to exalt yourself in your own thoughts.  Then you may well doubt whether the new supposed truth is true after all.  For only what is true itself can deliver you and set you free from everything which is not of the truth, and which is unlike the Ideal of the Kingdom of Heaven.  So, remember, you can only discern between truth and falsity, the good and the evil, by the attitudes, reactions, and way of life which they awaken in you as you accept them.

— Hannah Hurnaud, Eagles’ Wings to the Higher Places, p. 52-53

The Truth

Relationships, Truth 0

Still, the truth with all its potential for causing pain is real and enduring — it won’t go away.  Unlike the confusing and ephemeral lie, the truth informs, clarifies, and teaches.  The truth feels right because it is right.

Even if the particular relationship they were in didn’t have a happy ending, the women who were told the truth were given a powerful gift.  They finally had a chance to understand what was really happening.  They had won another chance to build their future on more solid ground.  Although they had feared the truth, it was the lie and all it represented that had caused them and their partnerships the most grievous damage and robbed them of choice.

— Dory Hollander, PhD, 101 Lies Men Tell Women: And Why Women Believe Them, p. 270-271

Times of Change

Healing, Trials 0

It’s okay to be gentle with ourselves when we’re going through change and grief.  Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery.  But we can be compassionate with ourselves.  We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time.  We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect.

We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort.  We may be more needy and have less to give.  It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.

It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation.  We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.

Before long, we will take wings and fly.

— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 298-299

Scar Tissue

Healing, Letting Go, Trials 0

There isn’t anything that happens that can’t teach us something, that can’t be turned into something positive.  One can’t undo what’s been done, but one can use it creatively….  The only thing is to accept, and let the scar heal.  Scar tissue is the strongest tissue in the body….  So, I shouldn’t be surprised if it’s the strongest part of the soul.

— Madeleine L’Engle, A House Like a Lotus, quoted by Carole F. Chase in Glimpses of Grace, p. 271