A More Compelling Right

Compassion, Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing 0

You have an absolute right to be resentful and angry, but exercising that right will only keep the thorns in your heart. You have a more compelling right to heal the wounds you’ve suffered.  You can heal with compassion for yourself, with sympathy for your own hurt, and with the motivation to heal and improve.  Emotional healing is replacing your core hurts to your core value, so that you can realize your fullest potential as the loving, compassionate, competent, creative person you are meant to be.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 121

The Golden Rule of Self-Esteem

Compassion, Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing, Relationships 0

The road to psychological ruin begins with blame.

The road to psychological power begins with responsibility.

You cannot blame and find good solutions at the same time.  You must choose between blame and making things better.

Blame is always about the past.  Solutions must occur in the present and the future.

Blame focuses attention on damage, injury, defects, weakness — on what is wrong.  Blame makes you feel like a powerless victim.

Responsibility focuses attention on strengths, resiliency, competence, growth, creativity, healing, and compassion, all of which are necessary for solving family problems.

— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 44

Recovery

Healing, Letting Go 0

“In recovery, we stop enduring life and begin to live it….  We forego worrying and denial, and learn constructive problem solving skills….  We learn to value what we want and need; we stop punishing ourselves for other people’s problems, nonsense and insanity.  We stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, and we stop expecting perfection of others….  We stop getting tangled up in craziness….  We stop compulsively taking care of other people and we take care of ourselves.  We learn to be good to ourselves, to have fun, and to enjoy life.  We learn to feel good about what we’ve accomplished.  We stop focusing on what’s wrong and we notice what’s right.”

— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency:  And Getting Better All the Time, p. 13.

Listening to Your Spirit

Core Value, Healing, Joy, Letting Go 1

“My definition of guilt is quite simple:  when you try to force yourself to do something you don’t really want to do….  Anytime you hear yourself say, ‘I should, I’m supposed to, I have to,’ you have ignored your spirit to please your tribe.

“Coming into harmony with your soul releases the tension in your body and eliminates the mental Ping-Pong.  When you hear your spirit, there is a huge surge of energy with a wonderful feeling of relief.  Suddenly you are awake, alert, and fully alive and ready to live.”

— Christel Nani, Sacred Choices, p. 49

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Healing, Letting Go 0

“Forgiving and forgetting feed our denial system.  We need to think about, remember, understand, and make good decisions about what we are forgiving, what can be forgotten, and what is still a problem.  And forgiving someone does not mean we have to let that person keep hurting us….

“I am not suggesting we adopt an unforgiving attitude.  We all need forgiveness.  Grudges and anger hurt us; they don’t help the other person much either.  Forgiveness is wonderful.  It wipes the slate clean.  It clears up guilt.  It brings peace and harmony.  It acknowledges and accepts the humanness we all share, and it says, ‘That’s okay.  I love you anyway.’  But I believe we codependents need to be gentle, loving, and forgiving with ourselves before we can expect to forgive others.  But I believe codependents need to think about how, why, and when we dole out forgiveness.

“Also, forgiveness is closely tied into the acceptance or grief process.  We cannot forgive someone for doing something if we have not fully accepted what this person has done….

“Forgiveness comes in time — in its own time — if we are striving to take care of ourselves.”

— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 197-198