Moving on to the Goodness of Love

Connection, Forgiveness, Life, Love 0

Not forgiving ourselves, not forgiving others, not forgiving, even when the whole world thinks we should, is a part of who we are. It is as natural to us as our defenses, our repression, our dissociation, our denial. No one is able to look at himself whole. No one is so evolved as to deal creatively with every loss and insult. No one is free from illusions about himself, positive and negative. No one is immune to the joys of victimhood and revenge. We all have this in us. We are all enmeshed to some degree in our inner dramas and the unimaginable passions and loyalties they represent, which hold sway over us in ways that not even we can know. If we can see some of this in ourselves, accept it, be concerned about it, talk about it, it is less likely to control or overwhelm us. We will have a better chance to stay connected, to expand our zone of connection, to dissolve whatever scar tissue we can from a life of hurt and conflict, and move on to the goodness of love.

— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self, p. 279

Loving Along the Way

Children, Love, Parenting 0

In spite of all my efforts as a mother, my children will not wake up one morning and be perfect. Just as I will never “arrive” as a mother, they will never “arrive” as children. My work is to companion them on their journeys, guiding, loving, and teaching them to love themselves along the way. Maybe that’s what our responsibility is to ourselves, too, as parents — loving ourselves at our best, in uncertainty, and in spite of flat-out failure.

— Lisa Groen Braner, The Mother’s Book of Well-Being, p. 168

Trust

Letting Go, Love, Relationships, Trust 0

To love others without feeling the need to trap or control them requires trust that your needs will all be met, withor without the other person’s cooperation. You must be absolutely sure that loving connection can encompass any level of difference without disappearing. You don’t have to trust the other person. You must only trust that your needs will be met no matter what that person may do.

— Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight, p. 198

Escaping Judgmentalism

Gratitude, Growth, Love, Relationships 0

Being judgmental is a habit, and it can be changed….

Training ourselves to feel and then express unconditional love, the antidote to judgment, is possible, particularly with God’s help. We can choose to bring God into our minds whenever we find ourselves in the act of judging; this changes our experience and our perspective instantly. Practicing gratitude is another simple way to escape from the habit of being judgmental.

Let’s try to remember that we choose all our relationships for the lessons they bring. Being willing to accept these lessons and the people who bring them can change our minds from judgment to love and acceptance.

— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 139

Suffering No Proof of Love

Compassion, Healing, Love 0

It’s amazing how many people believe that suffering is a proof of love. If I don’t suffer when you suffer, they think, it means that I don’t love you. How can that possibly be true? Love is serene; it’s fearless. If you’re busy projecting what someone’s pain must feel like, how can you be fully present with her? How can you hold her hand and love her with all your heart aas she moves through her experience of pain? Why would she want you to be in pain, too? Wouldn’t she rather have you present and available?…

You don’t have to feel bad to act kindly. On the contrary: the less you suffer, the kinder you naturally become. And if compassion means wanting others to be free of suffering, how can you want for others what you won’t give to yourself?

— Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy, p. 73, 74

The Best Way of Leading

Letting Go, Love, Relationships 0

I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world.  I don’t try to impose my will on you or on anyone else.  I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you.  I just welcome things as they come and go.  That’s true love.  The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.

— Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy, p. 24

Beloved by God

Forgiveness, God, Love 0

If you believe that you are the beloved, you can offer forgiveness, even when it cannot be received.  For still you say, “I set you free and I am willing to forgive you even when you cannot forgive me, because I claim my belovedness.”  And you can move on, saying, “I can ask your forgiveness even though you cannot give it to me yet, and perhaps ever.”

— Henri Nouwen, Turn My Mourning Into Dancing, p. 80

Breaking the Judgment Habit

Love, Relationships 1

When I embrace the practice of unconditional love — seldom an easy exercise, I might add — I am able to see how similar I am to those around me, and my habit of judgment lessens.  Please note the word “habit.”  Judgment does become a habit, and so can unconditional love, though it is more difficult to perfect.  A tool that has worked for me (when I remember to use it) is to express a statement of unconditional love out loud every time a judgmental thought crosses my mind.  Try it next time you find yourself gripped by judgment.  As soon as you catch it, state your unconditional love.  It works….

It’s easy to tell ourselves that we are not judging, we are merely observing.  But most often this is just a lie.  Our minds are quick to judge, and just as with any other thought, that which we focus on becomes magnified.  When it’s the failings of others or missed opportunities or cynicism or mean-spiritedness that we choose to focus on, these are the attitudes that are magnified, thus injuring all the people on our path and on their paths too.

Of course the reverse is likewise true.  If we choose to see the good in others, which is abundantly there, we will help to increase it in them, in ourselves, and in our communities as well, widening the circle of good with every glimpse.  The choice to see the good is always available to us.  It’s a mindset we can practice to the benefit of all….

As long as we sit in judgment of someone, we cannot experience peace.  With each judgment we make, we hurt all our relationships.

— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 55-58

The Best Attitude

Gratitude, Life, Love 0

Giving up judgmental attitudes requires that we replace them with some other attitude.  Our minds will not remain idle.  The best attitude to cultivate and the one that changes everything and everyone — you and all of the people you formerly judged — is gratitude.  Having an attitude of gratitude is what allows us to see everyone in our path as necessary and an opportunity for us to express unconditional love.  You see, judgment and love cannot coexist, and we’re expressing one or the other almost all the time.  Seldom are we indifferent to our experiences, to the people we are sharing those experiences with, and to the set of expectations we have created around those experiences.  Becoming more loving, attempting to develop the attitude of unconditional love, in fact, is the real assignment we have been given in this life.  No one can do the work for us.  No one can prevent us from doing the work.  And everyone benefits every time any one of us makes even a tiny effort to grow in our willingness to love rather than judge.

— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 53-54