Listening

Compassion, Connection, Healing 0

Listening is the oldest and perhaps the most powerful tool of healing. It is often through the quality of our listening and not the wisdom of our words that we are able to effect the most profound changes in the people around us. When we listen, we offer with our attention an opportunity for wholeness. Our listening creates sanctuary for the homeless parts within the other person. That which has been denied, unloved, devalued by themselves and by others.

In this culture the soul and the heart too often go homeless.

Listening creates a holy silence. When you listen generously to people, they can hear truth in themselves, often for the first time. And in the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone. Eventually you may be able to hear, in everyone and beyond everyone, the unseen singing softly to itself and to you.

— Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, Kitchen Table Wisdom, p. 219-220

The Message of Your Pain

Compassion, Core Value, Healing, Relationships 0

Resentful, angry, and abusive people drastically misinterpret the message of their own pain. . . . The bad feelings your husband blames on you are telling him to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, for those are the only things that can make him feel better. And your pain is giving you the exact same message. Even if your husband changes dramatically and replaces his resentment, anger, or abusive behavior with compassion, you still have to heed the message of your core hurts to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect. This means that your focus has to be on your own resources, not on your husband and not on outside supports.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 116

Making Mistakes

Compassion, Forgiveness, Growth, Letting Go, Life 0

Trying to be what I am not, and cannot be, is not only arrogant, it is stupid. . . . If I make myself a martyr to appease my false guilt, then I am falling into the age-old trap of pride. I fall into it often. . . . If I am not free to accept guilt when I am wrong, then I am not free at all. If all my mistakes are excused, if there’s an alibi, a rationalization for every blunder, then I am not free at all. I am subhuman. . . . I do all kinds of things which aren’t right, which aren’t sensitive or understanding. I neglect all kinds of things which I ought to do. . . . One reason I don’t feel guilty is that I no longer feel I have to be perfect. I am not in charge of the universe, whereas a humanist has to be. . . this inability presents her with a picture of herself which is not the all-competent, in-control-of-everything person she wants to see.

— Madeleine L’Engle, Summer of the Great-Grandmother

Happiness in Marriage

Compassion, Joy, Marriage, Relationships 0

The most potent predictor of being happily married is being happy before you marry. Marriage does not make you happy, although the prospect of sharing life with a loved one can provide motivation to make yourself happy. What marriage certainly offers is someone on whom to blame your unhappiness.

— Steven Stosny, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200905/marriage-and-the-power-be-happy

Teaching Ourselves

Compassion, Connection, Forgiveness, Growth, Relationships 0

You cannot teach others that they’re guilty if you’re to be free of guilt yourself.

It’s important to understand that, on the level of consciousness, thoughts are never given away; they’re always shared. Therefore, if you teach others that they should be guilty, you’re simultaneously teaching yourself that you should be guilty, too. Also, when you judge someone as unworthy of happiness, you are in that very same instant telling yourself that you are also unworthy.

The reverse of this principle is that every time you affirm others’ goodness, their inner light, their original blessing, their innocence, you’re affirming these qualities for yourself.

— Robert Holden, PhD, Happiness Now! p. 98

No Room for Blame

Compassion, Life 0

There’s no room for blame in your life as long as you live with kindness. And excuses, regardless of their form, are all about blame. Blaming your past. Blaming the economy. Blaming your perceived personal flaws. Blaming God. Blaming your parents. Blaming your children or your spouse. Blaming your DNA. There’s no shortage of circumstances, people, and events to blame — and there’s no shortage of blame itself.

When you shift to compassion, all blame disappears.

— Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Excuses Begone! p. 134

The Place We’d Rather Live

Compassion, Forgiveness, Healing 0

In the aftermath of catastrophic wounds, an obsessive, demonizing hatred may be mobilized to help us survive. And yet here, too, understanding eventually becomes the desirable thing, if for no other reason than we don’t want to keep feeling like victims and living in hate. It rarely hurts us to be more generous. In many cases, even if the grievousness of the wrong is never acknowledged or atoned for, we may want to feel our way back to a caring place. It’s the place we’d rather live.

— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self, p. 175-176

Suffering No Proof of Love

Compassion, Healing, Love 0

It’s amazing how many people believe that suffering is a proof of love. If I don’t suffer when you suffer, they think, it means that I don’t love you. How can that possibly be true? Love is serene; it’s fearless. If you’re busy projecting what someone’s pain must feel like, how can you be fully present with her? How can you hold her hand and love her with all your heart as she moves through her experience of pain? Why would she want you to be in pain, too? Wouldn’t she rather have you present and available?…

You don’t have to feel bad to act kindly. On the contrary: the less you suffer, the kinder you naturally become. And if compassion means wanting others to be free of suffering, how can you want for others what you won’t give to yourself?

— Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy, p. 73, 74

Finding Treasure

Compassion, Forgiveness, Healing, Joy, Life, Trials 0

Adopting the perspective of the Stargazer not only leads us toward our future best destinies but actually transmutes past unhappiness into treasure.  This is because, in emotional terms, everything is made from its opposite.  The raw material for joy is sorrow; the raw material for compassion is anger; the raw material for fearlessness is fear.  This means that the very people who hurt you worst may turn out to have enriched you most.  “Forgiveness” isn’t even an issue from the position of the Stargazer.  Why would anyone bother to “forgive” someone who’d made them rich?

— Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight, p. 76