Our Way of Living

Compassion, God, Gratitude, Life 0

If we believe that God has given us everything, then giving will be our way of living.  We’ll still work to earn, because the gift of work is the primary means by which God gives what we have.  But earning and possessing will become folded into giving.  God gives us life, powers, abilities, and so we earn and possess.  We’ll earn and possess so we can give, as when we share our food with the hungry; we’ll give even while earning, as when we create goods and offer services with dedication, care, and wisdom; and we’ll give even by possessing, as when we open our home for others to enjoy.  Earning and possessing are not just a bridge between our desires and their satisfaction.  They are a midpoint in the flow of gifts:  from God to us, and through us to others.  We give because we have been given to; we don’t let others simply fend for themselves because we haven’t been left to fend for ourselves.

— Miroslav Volf, Free of Charge:  Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace, p. 107-108

What Would a Perfect Person Want With Us?

Compassion, Forgiveness, Marriage 0

I am trying to remind you to be humble about your own flaws and to remember that you too regularly require forgiveness.  If you want a successful relationship, you need to be gentle with the inevitable flaws of your lover.  I also want you to understand that dealing kindly with the mistakes and wounds of your partner is how you open yourself up to true love….  Coming home to a passionate sex partner who was also a great cook, hard worker, high wage earner, good communicator, and all-round fabulous person would be great.  The problem with that scenario is twofold.  First, what would such a perfect person want with us, and second, how would we learn to really love if our needs were always met with a smile?  It is easy to love those who never test us because they are always giving and never in a bad mood.  It is difficult to love real people because they ask us to give and give and forgive and be humble….

There must be something we need to learn from our partners’ weaknesses and our own weaknesses.  It may be that when we love our partners in a way that includes their differences and flaws, we go deep enough to create an enduring partnership.  When we are cruel and dismissive about our differences and our partners’ weaknesses, we impose our fantasy of how a lover should be on a live human being….  Forgiveness emerges once we accept the challenge of loving the real person we are with.  Only then can we begin to develop a deep and lasting partnership.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 105

A Good Cry

Compassion, Healing, Letting Go, Trials 0

Having a good cry can help us to heal.  We can feel sad about what is happening or has happened and then move back into the present moment.  Breaking down in tears over a seriously painful event is perfectly natural and healthy.  Think of your tears as a sign of your compassion and love.  Allow yourself to be fully present to the pain.  Feel your emotions.  Observe your thoughts.  Your tears will help to heal your broken heart.  Let your vulnerability be your strength.  Tears of sorrow cleanse your soul.  Crying is a sign of acceptance.  You face the pain, you feel it in your body, you observe it in your mind and emotions.  Crying doesn’t last long.  You catch yourself, realizing it is now time to let go and move on.

— Alexandra Stoddard, Choosing Happiness, p. 83

Grieving

Compassion, Healing, Life, Trials 0

It seems to me that I and most of the people I know have forgotten how to grieve like this — not only for others but for ourselves.  We have forgotten how to grieve at all.  It no longer comes naturally to us.  We have to learn it from self-help books and therapists.  Or we have to do without.

All I have to offer you is a list of don’ts.  Don’t forbid painful topics.  Don’t judge.  Don’t preach.  When people tell you of their pain, don’t say anything at all.  Don’t think, if you can help it, at least at first.  Just hear it and, if you can, cry.  Cry for them and for yourself, because you, too, have suffered such things, or will.  Cry that there is evil in this world, that we are all of us sometimes the victims and often the perpetrators of it.  Cry that people, however messed up, and even if they themselves caused the misery in which they find themselves, have to suffer at all….  Remind yourself of these truths about the pain of our world and the sins that occasion it.  Others’ sins.  Our own sins.  Because it is only this grieving, this taking of a knee, that truly comforts us, that connects us to one another and to God.

— Patty Kirk, Confessions of an Amateur Believer, p. 96

Connection Is the Key

Compassion, Core Value, Marriage, Relationships 0

Just as nothing can be more important to you as an individual than remaining true to your core value, nothing can be more important to you as a couple than your emotional connection to one another.

You cannot resolve disputes with someone you love while being emotionally disconnected from that person.  The disconnection hurts too much and feels too much like betrayal.  To have any chance of finding your way out of a power struggle, you must try hard to make connection before you even attempt to solve the problem.  Your relationship has to be more important than the content of your disagreement, as does the emotional well-being of the most important adult in your life.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 298

Enriching the Universe

Compassion, Life, Love 0

We enrich the universe with something far more valuable than money when we contribute love.  One act of caring may have more effect, more power than we can realize; here finding entry into a lonely heart, there encouraging and giving hope to a confused mind.  The universal love story is written line by line with simple acts of loving people doing a kindness for someone who’s having a hard time.

— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love

Communication Skills are Overrated

Compassion, Marriage, Relationships 0

Isn’t it funny how during the honeymoon period, understanding each other is seldom a problem.  “Communication skills” are highly overrated.  We don’t want to understand; that’s the problem.  We can’t say to our dog or baby, “I want to give you a little feedback on something you’ve been doing lately,” and yet we get along with them just fine.  I know two couples who because of an accident and a stroke can’t hear or talk but still are able to move past their problems and grow in love.  Work on communicating better, but also work on dwelling in love, the place of true understanding.

— Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself, p. 48

Redemption

Compassion, Core Value, Forgiveness 0

Feeling badly about making a mistake is natural, but punishing yourself forever is never appropriate.

I urge you to fully examine your beliefs about mistakes and forgiveness.  Most people cannot answer this simple question:  “How much penance is appropriate to expunge your mistake?”  I have seen countless people who are continually punishing themselves in an infinite variety of ways because of a perceived transgression in the past.  Holding yourself to a so-called higher standard (others could be forgiven for this, but not me) does not make you a better person.  It only makes you a more miserable person….

It is a choice if you focus on the worst parts of you, rather than the good.  If you are having difficulty, then focus on helping someone in need, rather than wasting your time and effort on chastising yourself.  Do something positive.  Choose to ask for help — from God, your spiritual advisor, or your friends.  Be honest and admit that you are in charge of how you treat yourself, and start treating yourself the way you would a friend.

— Christel Nani, Sacred Choices, p. 230-232

The Key to Intimate Relationships

Compassion, Relationships 0

Here’s the hot and hard truth:  Only your own loving behavior can make you feel worthy of love.  It’s not rocket science.  The only way to feel lovable is to be loving and compassionate.

Compassion is the most important emotion for forging intimate relationships.  It contributes far more to happiness than love does.  Relationships can be happy with low levels of love and high levels of compassion, but not the other way around.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 207