The Need to Blame

Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, Letting Go 0

The need to blame (ourselves or others) runs so deeply at times that it can feel like a basic necessity.  Part of the need arises as a defense against shame.  As shame encroaches, fending it off requires that someone else be proved the villain.  And it is not enough that we protest what they’re doing, that we have our say.  We have to nail them to their crimes, make them confess, make them feel bad and promise to be better.  Only then can we finally have the satisfaction of being free of the denunciation we direct at ourselves….

Knowing oneself is integral to growing up.  But, to the extent that we live in a blaming system, we do not want to know the truth about who we are and, therefore, resist growing up.  We don’t want to know our own murderousness, selfishness, greed, envy, because all of these very human feeling states have been made a source of so much guilt and shame that they lead at once to total condemnation and self-rejection.  We can’t know them, and we can’t know how we came to them.  As a result, we miss out on the experience of self-empathy and self-care, which might be the basis for doing something new, for beginning to emerge from these things we don’t like in ourselves but which hold us prisoner.

Some of what we do is bad and should be changed — the way we bully, deny, manipulate, shirk, indict…. But if we make every misdeed or character orientation into a capital crime, into evidence that our very being is worthless, we will not be able to let ourselves know the full complexity of who we are.  If there can be no mercy, no leniency, no understanding, no forgiveness, no simple tolerance for the magnificent complexity of being human — if we face every flaw or disliked quality as evidence that our blackened souls require rejection and banishment — we will not be captured by our own awareness and motivated to change.  The blaming system, therefore, puts a brake on a fundamental area of growth….

Blame is very absorbent.  It soaks up sadness.  It dries the tears.  It provides an opportunity and a target for fury which is felt as preferable to experiencing pain or loss — whether the loss is a cat, a spouse, an aspect of physical health, a loved object, a piece of work, a good night’s sleep, an election, a colony, or a war.  Blaming and vindictiveness are ways of not feeling one’s sorrow or shame and, by corollary, of not caring for oneself.  Blame is the anti-mourn and, hence, the anti-self.

— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self, p. 110-112

Forgiveness Is Letting Go.

Forgiveness, Letting Go 0

The very person you find hardest to forgive is the one YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE MOST.  Forgiveness means giving up, letting go.  It has nothing to do with condoning behavior.  It’s just letting the whole thing go.  We do not have to know HOW to forgive.  All we need to do is to be WILLING to forgive.  The Universe will take care of the hows.

— Louise L. Hay, You Can Heal Your Life, p. 22

Anxiety Doesn’t Help.

Letting Go, Peace 0

Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears.  In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic.  We think: If I really care, I’ll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset.  We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.

Our best problem-solving resource is peace.  Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state.  Often, fear and anxiety block solutions.  Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution.  It does not help to harbor turmoil.  It does not help.

— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 65

Influence

Connection, Core Value, Inspiration, Letting Go, Life 0

Think about the people who have most influenced you.  When I remember them I am always surprised to discover that these are people who did not try to influence me, who did not need my response.  Instead they radiated a certain inner freedom.  They made me aware that they were in touch with more than themselves.  They pointed to a reality greater than themselves from which and in whom their freedom grew.  This centeredness, this inner freedom, this spiritual independence had a mysterious contagiousness.

— Henri Nouwen, Turn My Mourning into Dancing, p. 75

Confident Expectation

Inspiration, Letting Go, Life, Peace 0

I encourage you to confidently expect, while not being attached to an outcome.  Expect it, but then let it go.  Yes, the money would be great, the job would be perfect, the relationship would be wonderful, but they in themselves are not what has value.  It’s what they provide that we are really interested in — the sense of security or freedom, the experience of happiness and belonging.  We can claim those states as our inner reality, with or without the associated tangibles.  It’s the essence behind the form that really matters to us.  And when we live in It Already Is, we are irresistible to the flow of abundance in the universe.

— Victoria Castle, The Trance of Scarcity, p. 120

A Surprise Gift

Letting Go, Life, Relationships 0

If others do change because of something we said or did, which sometimes happens, we feel validated and this validation boosts our self-confidence.  Unfortunately, it also encourages us to repeat our behavior relentlessly.  Face it.  Others change only because they want to.  Not because we want them to.

So why do we incessantly try to do the impossible?  After years of observation, coupled with my own unyielding commitment to changing this behavior in myself, I have concluded that we attempt to control as a way of quelling the threat we feel when our companions have opinions or attitudes or behaviors that differ from our own.  The greater the threat, the more we try to control.

But what we discover when we give up trying to control everybody and everything is that we suddenly have the time and opportunity to learn and change and grow within ourselves, so that we can progress to the next level of spiritual awareness that awaits us.

A surprise benefit, too, is that by letting go, moving on, and living our own lives peacefully and with intention, we often inspire others to change in the very ways we want them to change.  Ironic, isn’t it?…

Being powerless over others is one of the best gifts we have been given on this journey.  Trust me.  You will be grateful, in time.

— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 66-68

Power

Growth, Healing, Letting Go, Life 0

Sometimes, I forget things that I know.  Sometimes I forget that letting go has more power than holding on, and then I forget to let go.  Sometimes I get so focused on the other person and what they need and want that I forget how I feel, what’s important to me, and what I need and want too.  Sometimes I forget that no matter what situation I find myself in, I do have powers available to me, even when I feel overpowered.  I have the power to think, to feel, to pray for guidance, the power to let go, and take care of myself no matter what’s coming down on my head.  And sometimes I forget that the temporary hit of power from drama addiction wanes in comparison to the real power we can connect to when we’re at peace with the world, and with ourselves.

— Melody Beattie, Playing It by Heart, p. 242-243

Grateful for the Lessons

Gratitude, Growth, Letting Go 0

We even want to be grateful for the lessons we have.  Don’t run from the lessons; they are little packages of treasure that have been given to us.  As we learn from them, our lives change for the better.  I now rejoice whenever I see another portion of the dark side of myself.  I know that it means that I am ready to let go of something that has been hindering my life.  I say, “Thank you for showing me this, so I can heal it and move on.”  So, whether the lesson is a “problem” that has cropped up, or an opportunity to see an old, negative pattern within us that it is time to let go of, rejoice!

— Louise L. Hay, Gratitude: A Way of Life, p. 4-5

Their Own Choices

Letting Go, Relationships 0

Letting other people make their own choices, which might well turn into mistakes, is good for the other people and for us.  If they allow us to choose for them, and we make a choice that isn’t beneficial, we become their excuse for failure.  We become the unwitting scapegoat for whatever goes wrong in their life, a burden we surely don’t want and one that’s not beneficial to our own journey.

— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 65