It is the smaller annoyances, and our negative responses to them, that kill happiness between partners. That criticism can quickly build into resentment…. It is our inability to let go of daily relationship hassles that causes the most decay in our relationship, not the infrequent big disasters.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 52
Forgiveness does not mean that we will cease to hurt. The wounds are deep, and we may hurt for a very long time. Just because we continue to experience emotional pain does not mean that we have failed to forgive.
Forgiveness does not mean that we will forget…. No, we remember, but in forgiving we no longer use the memory against others.
Forgiveness is not pretending that the offense did not really matter. It did matter, and it does matter, and there is no use pretending otherwise. The offense is real, but when we forgive, the offense no longer controls our behavior.
Forgiveness is not acting as if things are just the same as before the offense. We must face the fact that things will never be the same. By the grace of God they can be a thousand times better, but they will never again be the same.
What then is forgiveness? It is a miracle of grace whereby the offense no longer separates…. Forgiveness means that the power of love that holds us together is greater than the power of the offense that separates us. That is forgiveness. In forgiveness we are releasing our offenders so that they are no longer bound to us. In a very real sense we are freeing them to receive God’s grace. We are also inviting our offenders back into the circle of fellowship.
— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 187-188
Just as nothing can be more important to you as an individual than remaining true to your core value, nothing can be more important to you as a couple than your emotional connection to one another.
You cannot resolve disputes with someone you love while being emotionally disconnected from that person. The disconnection hurts too much and feels too much like betrayal. To have any chance of finding your way out of a power struggle, you must try hard to make connection before you even attempt to solve the problem. Your relationship has to be more important than the content of your disagreement, as does the emotional well-being of the most important adult in your life.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 298
One of the great misconceptions about forgiveness is that it is the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation is deciding whether or not to talk to your lover again after an infidelity. Forgiveness is deciding whether or not to let go of the anger and despair you feel because you did not get the loyal partnership you wanted. Reconciliation means reestablishing a relationship with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness means making peace with a bitter part of your past and no longer blaming your experiences on the offender. You can forgive even if you don’t want to have any further relationship with the person who hurt you….
Forgiving someone does not require that you condone that person’s unkind, inconsiderate, or selfish behavior. To forgive is to let go of the extra suffering you have imposed on yourself after the normal cycle of grief has run its course….
Forgiveness acknowledges that we were disappointed but allows us not to stay stuck in the past….
Forgiveness is about today and not yesterday.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 21-26
Forgiveness can wrap up the grief, but it does not prevent the inevitable and necessary suffering. When there is a serious injury or loss, there is no way to avoid pain. If you want to have a satisfactory future, you will need to feel the loss and then let go of the hurt it has caused you. You need to forgive.
Even if you decide to divorce after a betrayal, you will still need to forgive…. When you forgive, you are able to be at peace even though rejection, disloyalty, and dishonesty have been a part of your life.
Your best chance for successful future relationships and overall happiness is to forgive your former partner. Forgiveness is not a substitute for grief, nor does it preclude the pain caused by your partner’s cheating. But it does gently allow your grief to ebb so that you can move on and live a successful life.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 21
The key to remaining gaslight-free is not to let your self-worth depend on someone else’s approval. If there is even one little part of you that wants the approval of another person to make you feel better about yourself, boost your confidence, or bolter your sense of who you are in the world, then you are a gaslightee waiting for a gaslighter. So developing a strong, clear sense of yourself and your worth is crucial to staying out of gaslighting relationships.
— Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect, p. 224
Of course my frustration was justified! But that’s beside the point. What kept me locked into the Gaslight Tango was my inability to accept that my husband was going to see things his own way, regardless of what I did. If he wanted to think I was unreasonable, he would, no matter how hard I argued or how upset I got. As soon as I understood that he — and he alone — had power over his own thoughts, no matter how right I might be, and that he wasn’t going to change, no matter what I said or did, I took a significant step toward freedom.
— Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect, p. 192
Women have a remarkable way of helping other women. The wisdom of women can be a life raft when you are in the midst of a transition. When you get together with them, they always tell you how fabulous you are even when you don’t feel fabulous!
— This Is Not the Life I Ordered, by Deborah Collins Stephens, Jackie Speier, Michealene Cristini Risley, and Jan Yanehiro, p. 205
Perhaps the greatest relationship failure we can have is invalidating our relationship history or present circumstances by becoming cynical, hopeless, embittered, or ashamed. Our histories aren’t a mistake. Our present circumstances aren’t a mistake. We may have made choices that need correcting. We may want to make new decisions as we grow. We may discover patterns that need unraveling. But we can learn and gain from each relationship we’ve encountered. Our relationships are a reflection of our growth, and often our relationships have contributed to that growth.
— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 148
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself what you really think, and go with that deep perception. If you find out you’re wrong, admit it and correct your error. If you find out you were right, congratulate yourself and move on. Either way, your starting point needs to be your sense of what’s true, not your gaslighter’s. If you’ve idealized your gaslighter and want to think well of him, you may be tempted to substitute his version of events for yours. But don’t. That’s how you start dancing the Gaslight Tango.
— Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect, p. 174