“Sometimes we rescue because it’s easier than dealing with the discomfort and awkwardness of facing other people’s unsolved problems. We haven’t learned to say, ‘It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?’ We’ve learned to say, ‘Here. Let me do that for you.'”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 84-85.
“Rescuing and caretaking mean what they sound like. We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle….
“Caretaking doesn’t help; it causes problems. When we take care of people and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore personal needs, wants, and feelings. We put ourselves aside. Sometimes, we get so busy taking care of people that we put our entire lives on hold. Many caretakers are harried and overcommitted; they enjoy none of their activities. Caretakers look so responsible, but we aren’t. We don’t assume responsibility for our highest responsibility — ourselves.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 78 & 83
“People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will only change when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 74
“The opposite of a worried mind is not a foolish mind, but a still mind. The simple, observable fact is that a worried mind is busy, cluttered, and scattered, whereas a still mind is more capable of broad, steady awareness, if for no other reason than it is less distracted.”
— Hugh Prather, The Little Book of Letting Go, p. 35
“I believe that clutching tightly to a person or thing, or forcing my will on any given situation eliminates the possibility of my Higher Power doing anything constructive about that situation, the person, or me. My controlling blocks God’s power. It blocks other people’s ability to grow.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 74
“You are not responsible for making other people ‘see the light,’ and you do not need to ‘set them straight.’ You are responsible for helping yourself see the light and for setting yourself straight.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 67-68
“If people don’t want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection on our self-worth. It reflects on their present circumstances. By practicing detachment we can lessen our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won’t ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 65
“There is little in our lives we need to do that we cannot do better if we are peaceful.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 63
“You must choose between healing and anger, for you cannot do both at once.”
— Steven Stosny, The Powerful Self, p. 188
“The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others. Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan! We each mind our own business.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 57