We Don’t Get What We Deserve.

Forgiveness, Relationships, Uncategorized 0

For a Christian, however, a bottom-line principle can never be that we should get what we deserve.  Our very existence is God’s gift.  Our redemption from the snares of sin is God’s gift.  Both are undeserved, and neither could have been deserved.  From start to finish, we are always given free of charge and given more than our due.  It is therefore only fitting that we give others more than their due — give them gifts that satisfy their needs or delight their senses and imagination, and give them the gift of forgiveness that frees them from guilt and the obligation to pay for their misdeeds.

— Miroslav Volf, Free of Charge, p. 203-204

What If It Really Is True?

God, Life, Trials, Trust, Truth 0

But consider this:  What if you knew it would all turn out well, whatever you are facing?  What if Romans 8:28 really were more than a cliche?  What if it was a certainty, a Spirit-certified life preserver, an unsinkable objective truth, infinitely buoyant, able to keep your head above water even when your ship is going down?

What if it really worked?  What if it always worked?  What if there were no problems beyond its reach?

— Robert J. Morgan, The Promise:  How God Works All Things Together For Good, p. 3

Empowering Yourself

Forgiveness, Letting Go, Marriage, Relationships 0

Recognize that what your partner does is a problem, but it’s not the problem.  The problem is how you react to what your partner does.  If you make your partner the problem, all you can do is hope that he changes or try to get him to change.  That’s a disempowered position.  As you increase your ability to respond to the negative things your partner does, you are going to empower yourself and increase your own self-esteem.  This single concept is the driving principle behind almost all books on improving relationships.

— Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 141

Boundaries in Marriage

Letting Go, Marriage, Truth 0

Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person.  You are not demanding that your spouse do something — even respect your boundaries.  You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do.  Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself.  Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse.  It is the opposite.  It is giving up control and beginning to love.  You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his behavior.

In a marriage, as in no other relationship, the need for revealing your boundaries is important.  Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship.  Passive ways of showing people that they do not have control over you never lead to intimacy.  They never educate the other on who you really are; they only estrange.

Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions.

Making It Happen

Letting Go, Life, Peace 0

Stop trying so hard to make it happen.

Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results.  Stop thinking so much and so hard about it.  Stop worrying so about it.  Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen.

Making things happen is controlling.  We can take positive action to help things happen.  We can do our part.  But many of us do much more than our part.  We overstep the boundaries from caring and doing our part into controlling, caretaking, and coercing.

Controlling is self-defeating.  It doesn’t work.  By overextending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.

Do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony.  Then let it go.  Just let it go.  Force yourself to let it go, if necessary.  “Act as if.”  Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control.  You’ll get much better results.

— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 206-207

Not Ready to Hear

Letting Go, Relationships, Truth 0

When he told us not to cast our pearls before swine, for example, it was not to be mean but because he knew that swine cannot digest pearls; they do them no good (Matt. 7:6).  We, too, should have the good sense to refrain from giving people truth that they are not ready to receive, for it will do them no good.

— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 232

Letting Go of How Others Live

Letting Go, Peace, Relationships 0

Our spouses, our friends, our family, our neighbors, even the strangers crossing our paths, must be who they are, not who we think they should be.  They must make their own mistakes and, through what they learn, have reason to celebrate their own successes.

There are many reasons for letting go of this futile behavior, but the most important ones are that we will never succeed in controlling others and never experience peace in our own lives if we are always focused on how other people are living or how we think they should be living.  If we want to be peaceful, we must let go of how others choose to live and take care of business in one life only:  our own.

— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 9-10

Making a Point to Ourselves

Core Value, Healing, Truth 0

Trying excessively to make a point with another may mean that we have not yet made that point with ourselves.  Once we make that point with ourselves, once we understand, we will know what to do.

The issue is not about others understanding and taking us seriously.  The issue is not about others believing we’re good and good enough.  The issue is not about others seeing and believing how responsible or loving or competent we are.  The issue is not about whether others realize how deeply we are feeling a particular feeling.  We are the ones that need to see the light….

If I catch myself in the codependent trap of trying to emphasize something about myself to another, I will ask myself if I need to convince myself of that point.

— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 204