“Because emotions are by-products of thinking, we sabotage our careers, health, happiness and relationships through unconscious thinking, not unconscious feeling. This is why learning to recognize a polluting thought the instant it shows itself is crucial.”
— Hugh Prather, The Little Book of Letting Go, p. 55
“Compassion shines light on our differences and lets us appreciate and sympathize with loved ones. Love without the sensitivity of compassion is rejecting of who you really are as a person, possessive, controlling, and dangerous.”
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 32
“There are two laws of chronic resentment. The first is, ‘Nothing is too petty to resent.’ But the second, more damaging law is, ‘Resentment always winds its way, in some form or other, to the wife or husband, no matter what stimulates it in the first place.’
— Steve Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One, p. 24
“I believe God has exciting, interesting things in store for each of us. I believe there is an enjoyable, worthwhile purpose — besides taking care of people and being an appendage to someone — for each of us. I believe we tap into this attitude by taking care of ourselves. We begin to cooperate. We open ourselves up to the goodness and richness available in us and to us….
“Ultimately, we may even discover this astounding truth: Few situations in life are ever improved by not taking care of ourselves and not giving ourselves what we need. In fact, we may learn most situations are improved when we take care of ourselves and tend our needs.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 104, 107
“The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 103
“First love; then do what you do. First choose peace; then say what you say. Asking, ‘What should I do?’ ‘What should I say?’ really means, ‘How do I get the outcome I want?’ ‘How do I control this person?’ Seldom are we confused if we make peace and mental wholeness our goal.”
— Hugh Prather, The Little Book of Letting Go, p. 50-51
“Declining to make control our aim does not mean that we perform the tasks and duties before us sloppily or halfheartedly. If our purpose is awareness, all things must be done attentively. If our purpose is wholeness, all things must be done meticulously. If our purpose is to love, all things must be done with care and beauty.”
— Hugh Prather, The Little Book of Letting Go, p. 48
“Sometimes we rescue because it’s easier than dealing with the discomfort and awkwardness of facing other people’s unsolved problems. We haven’t learned to say, ‘It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?’ We’ve learned to say, ‘Here. Let me do that for you.'”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 84-85.
“Rescuing and caretaking mean what they sound like. We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle….
“Caretaking doesn’t help; it causes problems. When we take care of people and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore personal needs, wants, and feelings. We put ourselves aside. Sometimes, we get so busy taking care of people that we put our entire lives on hold. Many caretakers are harried and overcommitted; they enjoy none of their activities. Caretakers look so responsible, but we aren’t. We don’t assume responsibility for our highest responsibility — ourselves.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 78 & 83
“People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will only change when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 74