Category: Personal Growth

The Age of Magical Overthinking

Notes on Modern Irrationality

by Amanda Montell
read by the Author

Simon & Schuster Audio, 2024. 6 hours, 5 minutes.
Review written July 22, 2024, from a library eaudiobook.
Starred Review

I got to hear Amanda Montell speak at George Mason University’s Fall for the Book festival a few years ago. I purchased her book Cultish and thought it was wonderful and insightful, so I was very happy to listen to her latest offering. My only regret is that I listened to it instead of reading the print copy, because then I would have retained more, and I could have given you pithy quotations from each chapter.

The “Magical Overthinking” she refers to in the title is logical fallacies and cognitive biases – as applied to our everyday lives.

She’s more interested in how the “sunk cost fallacy” keeps a person in a bad relationship than about how you might throw good money after bad – she applies these cognitive biases to our relationships and daily decisions.

But I like the way Amanda Montell explores all sides of each cognitive bias, including bringing up scholars who suggest that sometimes staying longer in a “bad” relationship can be a good thing. She doesn’t make any of the issues sound cut-and-dried, but explores ideas and asks questions. She includes stories from her own life – including the abusive relationship she got pulled into as a teen.

Relationships aren’t the only thing she talks about. There’s the halo effect of celebrities. Another is nostalgia and how we don’t necessarily think realistically about the past, and how that can affect our decisions. And honestly, if I had the print book in front of me, I’d now go back and list each fallacy. (My complaint being that it didn’t have chapter titles – each chapter was about a different fallacy.)

She talks about the thought patterns we fall into with lots of compassion, and plenty of insight. And helps open our eyes to the ways they might not be as logical as we think.

amandamontell.com

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Disclosure: I am an Amazon Affiliate, and will earn a small percentage if you order a book on Amazon after clicking through from my site.

Disclaimer: I am a professional librarian, but the views expressed are solely my own, and in no way represent the official views of my employer or of any committee or group of which I am part.

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The Gift

12 Lessons to Save Your Life

by Dr. Edith Eger
with Esmé Schwall Weigand

Scribner, 2020. 195 pages.
Review written July 15, 2021, from a library book
Starred Review

Edith Eger is a doctor of psychology and a Holocaust survivor. So when she fills a book with life lessons, she can use examples from her own life and from her patients’ lives. And you know the lessons will be helpful, even in extreme situations.

The subtitles of the twelve chapters tell you what major life issues each lesson deals with: Victimhood, Avoidance, Self-Neglect, Secrets, Guilt and Shame, Unresolved Grief, Rigidity, Resentment, Paralyzing Fear, Judgment, Hopelessness, and Not Forgiving. Her lessons and stories are practical and pointed. For example, the chapter about Judgment is titled “The Nazi In You,” and she talks about meeting an American teen in the 1980s who was wearing a brown shirt and brown boots and ranting about killing Jews and others and making America white again. She took a deep breath and said, “Tell me more.”

It was a tiny gesture of acceptance – not of his ideology, but of his personhood. And it was enough for him to speak a little of his lonely childhood, absentee parents, and severe neglect. Hearing his story reminded me that he hadn’t joined an extremist group because he was born with hate. He was seeking what we all want: acceptance, attention, affection. It’s not an excuse. But attacking him would only nourish the seeds of worthlessness his upbringing had sown. I had the choice to alienate him further, or give him another version of refuge and belonging.

Another bit I like is her tip in the chapter on hopelessness: “Don’t cover garlic with chocolate.”

It’s tempting to confuse hope with idealism, but idealism is just another form of denial, a way of evading a true confrontation with suffering. Resiliency and freedom don’t come from pretending away our pain. Listen to the way you talk about a hard or hurtful situation. It’s okay. It’s not that bad. Others have it so much worse. I don’t have anything to complain about. Everything will work out in the end. No pain, no glory! The next time you hear yourself using the language of minimization, delusion, or denial, try replacing the words with “It hurts. And it’s temporary.” Remind yourself, “I’ve survived pain before.”

I also appreciated the insight in the chapter, “There’s No Forgiveness Without Rage.” I’ve seen that in other books, with explanations of how you need to admit there’s pain and wrongdoing before you can forgive it. You need to feel the hurt rather than dismiss it. This idea There’s no forgiveness without rage. is even simpler.

Those are just a few examples of the hard-won wisdom found in this book, told with warmth and love.

dreditheger.com
SimonandSchuster.com

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Disclosure: I am an Amazon Affiliate, and will earn a small percentage if you order a book on Amazon after clicking through from my site.

Disclaimer: I am a professional librarian, but the views expressed are solely my own, and in no way represent the official views of my employer or of any committee or group of which I am part.

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On Repentance and Repair

Making Amends in an Unapologetic World

by Danya Ruttenberg

Beacon Press, 2022. 243 pages.
Review written January 24, 2023, from my own copy, purchased via amazon.com
Starred Review

I follow Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg on Twitter, and from there I subscribed to her substack, Life Is a Sacred Text. In those posts, she goes through the Torah — now she’s in Leviticus — and talks about what it means, what it meant, and all kinds of historical thinking about the text. It’s all wonderful and fascinating, and when I heard about this book, I preordered it right away. (It still took me some time to actually read it, but I was in the middle of award committee reading, so it was extra challenging.)

This book is all about addressing harm that you’ve done and making it right. Here’s how she puts it in the introduction:

There is a model for meaningfully addressing harm — from the daily intimate sorts of harm that manifest in personal relationships to larger wrongs perpetrated at the level of a community or culture, right up to genocide.

Of course, not every atrocity can be magically fixed, as though it never happened. But in the Jewish tradition — rooted, specifically, in the work of the twelfth-century philosopher Maimonides — there is a robust and sophisticated system that can help us grapple with everything from embarrassing missteps to horrific evils and do the work in our power to repair and transform. And, I believe, it can be useful for all of us — regardless of backgrround, culture, religion or lack thereof — here, now, today.

The book goes through this system and shows how it can look when applied to wrongs to individuals up to communities, cultures, and nations. She’s right that the system is robust and widely applicable.

I’ve thought a lot about forgiveness in the past. The most helpful book for me about forgiveness was Forgive for Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin. This book looks at the flip side of that. What if you are the one who harmed someone else? And along with that, Rabbi Ruttenberg shows that forgiving too soon may keep someone from doing the necessary work of repentance.

Maimonides’ approach is victim-oriented work. It’s not just to ease the conscience of the perpetrator but to actually repair some of the harm done.

According to Maimonides, a person doesn’t just get to mess up, mumble, “Sorry,” and get on with it. They’re not entitled to forgiveness if they haven’t done the work of repair. (And they’re not necessarily entitled to forgiveness even if they have.) Another human being’s suffering is not magically erased because the person who caused it says that they didn’t mean to do it. This is true in our personal lives, and it’s also true of politicians caught saying racist things, celebrities named as sexual abusers, human resources departments that cover up employee complaints, and governments perpetrating harm against individuals or groups. Fixing damage involves taking specific steps; there’s a process. We can’t ever undo what happened, but we can transform the situation and ourselves.

But you can’t cut corners.

In brief, Maimonides steps are:

1. Naming and Owning Harm
2. Starting to Change
3. Restitution and Accepting Consequences
4. Apology
5. Making Different Choices

Please, pick up this book to learn about all the nuances of these steps and of this work. The steps sound simple, and fundamentally they are, but actually doing them can be extremely difficult.

But doing the work is rewarding! Here’s how Rabbi Ruttenberg puts it at the end of the first chapter explaining the steps:

We can never undo what we have done. We can never go back in time. We write history with our decisions and our actions. But we also write history with our responses to those actions. We can leave the pain and the damage in our wake, unattended, or we can do the work of acknowledging and fixing, to whatever extent possible, the harm that we have caused. Repentance — tshuvah — is like the Japanese art of kintsugi, repairing broken pottery with gold. You can never unbreak what you have broken. But with the sincere and deep work of transformation, acts of repair have the potential to make something new.

Who is this book for? Here’s what Rabbi Ruttenberg says, and I heartily agree:

This book is for everybody. It is based on Jewish thought, but I am very intentionally, applying these concepts to secular life and relationships. It’s for Jews and non-Jews; for atheists, agnostics, and theists; for secular people, spiritual people, religious people, and for everybody in between. We’ve all caused harm, we’ve all been harmed, we’ve all witnessed harm. We are all always growing in our messy, imperfect attempts to do right, to clean up, to repair, to make sense of what’s happened, and to figure out where to go from here. This is, I hope, a way in to the work.

I wish this book weren’t so applicable in life. I wish I never saw harm done or did any myself. But the fact is, I can’t imagine anyone who couldn’t get important insights out of this book.

Life Is a Sacred Text
beacon.org

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Disclosure: I am an Amazon Affiliate, and will earn a small percentage if you order a book on Amazon after clicking through from my site.

Disclaimer: I am a professional librarian, but the views expressed are solely my own, and in no way represent the official views of my employer or of any committee or group of which I am part.

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Invisible Acts of Power

Channeling Grace in Your Everyday Life

by Caroline Myss

Atria (Simon and Schuster), 2004. 269 pages.
Review written April 26, 2022, from my own copy, purchased via Amazon.com
Starred Review

I read this book slowly, trying to absorb a small section each day. This is a book that works well for that.

The “Acts of Power” in this book are about personal power and grace to bless others. The author solicited stories from contributors, asking them to tell about times that other people had blessed them.

Here’s how she talks about those stories. You can hear how they touched her life — and they will touch her readers’ lives as well.

In the course of writing this book, I solicited stories from readers and subscribers to my Web site about their experiences with grace and life-changing acts of service. I was honored and overwhelmed to receive twelve hundred letters within six days of making my request. I discovered that it is one thing to talk abstractly about human goodness and our potential to be kind, but it’s quite another to come into direct contact wwith hundreds of real stories of real people exercising their power to heal, to help each other, to make a difference. I felt saturated in the caring and warmth of being human that these stories convey. They are solid evidence that the great power of compassion, honor, and grace still exists, even in the middle of national and world crises. They also prove that we are not alone in this world and that even in the direst times, our prayers are heard and answered.

The stories are divided up by seven chakras — essentially how deeply the recipient was touched, going from purely physical help to deeply spiritual help. She explains how this arose naturally from the letters:

As I considered how grace, intuition, and power worked together in the stories of the people who wrote me, I noticed that most of the writers quite unconsciously categorized their letters for me by using the same or similar turns of phrases. For example, people who received assistance out of nowhere from a stranger referred to either the person or his or her story as “The Good Samaritan.” After I organized all the letters, seven categories emerged….

When seven categories emerged out of one thousand two hundred letters, I wanted to see if they might correspond with the meaning of the chakras. At first I did this out of curiosity, not really expecting that I’d find a new perspective on the architecture of the human energy system. Yet when I finished this little exercise, I discovered that just as there is a hierarchy of power, there is also a hierarchy of grace. And I realized that the call to be of service to one another, the intuition that prompts us to use our power to help others, is wired into our physical and spiritual nature.

Reading this book gave me a much deeper awareness of how my life can touch others and made me want to be more aware of intuitive promptings to be a help to other people. A very uplifting book. Reading this book was itself a blessing.

myss.com

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Disclosure: I am an Amazon Affiliate, and will earn a small percentage if you order a book on Amazon after clicking through from my site.

Disclaimer: I am a professional librarian, but the views expressed are solely my own, and in no way represent the official views of my employer or of any committee or group of which I am part.

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