Review of The Forgiving Self, by Robert Karen, PhD

Forgiveness, Nonfiction Review, Personal Growth, Relationships 0

forgiving_selfThe Forgiving Self

The Road from Resentment to Connection

by Robert Karen, PhD

Doubleday, New York, 2001. 288 pages.

Even quite a few years into the divorce process myself, I still feel that anyone going through a divorce can benefit from thinking about forgiveness, if only for your own sanity!

I’ve read quite a few books on forgiveness. This one by Robert Karen took a more academic approach, a psychological approach, to the subject. I especially liked the way he explored many different aspects of forgiveness, including our natural tendency not to forgive.

I read the book slowly, and it gave me plenty of food for thought. I maintain that thinking about forgiveness can’t help but be a good thing.

Robert Karen says,

“When I first turned my attention to forgiveness, it seemed a worthwhile, if unexciting, topic. But as I immersed myself, I realized that forgiveness is as fundamental and important as any topic in psychology. There are few places it can’t take you. It embraces the meaning of love and hate, the nature of dependency, the torments of envy, the problems of narcissism and paranoia, as well as the tension between self-hatred and self-acceptance, between striving for maturity and refusing to grow up. . . .

“In our capacity or failure to forgive we reveal our ability to recognize the humanity in someone who has hurt or disappointed us, as well as to see our own limitations and complicity. It represents an ability to imagine what life is like on the other side of the fence, where another human being is engaged in his own struggle, to let go of the expectation that people exist to be just what we need them to be. And this sensibility applies to our view of ourselves, too: for forgiving others is nothing but the mirror image of forgiving oneself. Significant acts of forgiveness also entail letting go of a precious story we tell about ourselves, risking the awareness of a larger, less self-justifying truth.

“What we do in the realm of forgiveness . . . speaks to the magnitude of our self-centeredness and the extent to which we organize the world into a simple pattern of good versus bad, as opposed to a more mature ability to tolerate ambiguity and ambivalence. In the capacity to forgive we see our largeness of heart. And, in struggling to forgive what is most difficult for us to forgive, we reveal our courage, imagination, and potential for growth. The development of forgiveness is, I now think, as clear a marker of general psychological development as there is.”

I found myself posting several quotations from this book on Sonderquotes. I recommend this book for some deep thinking about all that forgiveness means in our lives.

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Review of The New Codependency, by Melody Beattie

Nonfiction Review, Personal Growth, Relationships, Starred Review 0

new_codependencyThe New Codependency

Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation,

by Melody Beattie

Simon & Schuster, New York, 2009. 270 pages.
Starred review.

Those who have been blessed by Melody Beattie’s earlier books, particularly Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency, will be excited to hear that she has written a new book about codependency, called The New Codependency.

Her first book, Codependent No More, is the one that made the term “codependent” a standard part of recovery vocabulary, but she wrote that more than twenty years ago.

She says,

“I’m writing this book to clarify confusion, discuss new information, write about how codependency has mutated, address new support options, and remind us about what we’ve learned.

“Although I’ve changed significantly since writing Codependent No More, I still step in codependent puddles. I might get hooked into someone’s stuff, let their problems control me, over-engage, or start reacting instead of taking right action. I’ll let family conditioning affect me, neglect to set boundaries, or shut down emotionally. There are times I have to slam on the brakes, STOP, and remember to take care of myself. I don’t sink in the quicksand of life like I used to, but sometimes I revert to survival mode. That’s yesterday’s news.

“I don’t call that relapsing. Caring about people we love, feeling victimized when we’re betrayed, giving our all to people we love, or wanting to control people because we’re watching them destroy themselves and hurt us doesn’t mean we’re sick. These are natural reactions. Codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far. It’s about crossing lines.”

All in all, you can think of this as a book about healthy relationships, about setting boundaries, and about remembering to care for ourselves and let other people live their own lives. There are quizzes to help you examine your own issues and emotions, and there are many suggested activities to help you put these ideas into practice.

As with all of Melody Beattie’s books, this one is uplifting and encouraging. She concludes,

“Learn to love and take care of yourself. You’ll learn to love others better. Being healthy doesn’t mean being so tough we don’t care, or so hard-hearted nobody can hurt us again. The path we’re on might start with not giving so much or so compulsively but living and loving with an open heart — even when that means paying the price of saying goodbye too soon — is where this journey leads. Don’t stop until you’re there.”

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Review of The Complete Peanuts, 1971 to 1972, by Charles M. Schulz

Humorous, Nonfiction Review 0

complete_peanuts_7172The Complete Peanuts

The Definitive Collection of Charles M. Schulz’s Comic Strip Masterpiece

Dailies and Sundays

1971 to 1972

by Charles M. Schulz

introduction by Kristin Chenoweth

Fantagraphics Books, 2009. 320 pages.

I probably don’t really need to review these books as they come out twice a year, but I just love them and have to mention them. Fantagraphics Books is collecting every single Peanuts strip, and it’s delightful to watch the genius of Charles Schulz unfold as he developed the characters.

In this volume, Peppermint Patty’s clearly in love with Charlie Brown, but he’s obliviously still obsessed with the little red-haired girl. In fact, he goes to a carnival with Peppermint Patty and learns, as he tells Snoopy, “When you’re with a girl, it’s impossible to go through an entire evening without saying the wrong thing.”

In these strips, Lucy actually kicks Linus out of the house, but gives up when she gets a new baby brother, whom they nickname “Rerun.” Lucy continues her unrequited love for Schroeder and holding the football for Charlie Brown. She actually hits a home run when Schroeder promises a kiss if she does, but nobly turns it down in the name of women’s lib.

Featured on the cover, these strips have a lot about Sally and her hilarious, not-quite-right approach to schoolwork. Did you know that ten grams make a grampa?

Probably my favorite part is learning how much further Snoopy’s writing activities extended than just the “It was a dark and stormy night” novel. He undertakes a dramatic biography of Helen Sweetstory, author of the “Bunny-wunny” books. He tries magazine articles. He deals with writer’s block. He has much drama with his secretary, Woodstock. I especially like his two tries at a new novel titled, “Toodle-oo, Caribou! A Tale of the Frozen North.”

This Definitive Collection definitely makes delightful reading.

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Review of Resilience, by Elizabeth Edwards

Biography, Musings, Nonfiction Review, True Stories 0

resilience
Resilience

Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life’s Adversities

by Elizabeth Edwards

Broadway Books, New York, 2009. 213 pages.

Elizabeth Edwards has had to deal with the death of her beloved sixteen-year-old son, having cancer, and her husband’s betrayal. Reading this book doesn’t give answers for dealing with issues of that magnitude, but it does feel like talking with a sister who’s been there. Comforting and reassuring, her words help you carry on, whatever your own issues are. Not because she seems so together, but because she’s open and honest about ways that she is not together.

She says,

“Each time I fell into a chasm — my son’s death or a tumor in my breast or an unwelcome woman in my life — I had to accept that the planet had taken a few turns and I could not turn it back. My life was and would always be different, and it would be less than I hoped it would be. Each time, there was a new life, a new story. And the less time I spent trying to pretend that Wade was alive or that my life would be just as long or that my marriage would be as magical, the longer I clung to the hope that my old life might come back, the more I set myself up for unending discontent. In time, I learned that I was starting a new story. I write these words as if that is the beginning and end of what I did, but it is only a small slice of the middle, a place that is hard to reach and, in reaching it, only a stepping-off place for finding or creating a new life with our new reality. Each time I got knocked down, it took me some time just to get to acceptance, and in each case, that was only part of the way home.”

This book is a gentle exploration of that process.

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Review of Steering by Starlight, by Martha Beck

Nonfiction Review, Personal Growth, Starred Review 0

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Steering by Starlight

Find Your Right Life No Matter What

by Martha Beck

Rodale, 2008. 232 pages.
Starred review.

I do love Martha Beck’s books. Something about them speaks directly to my soul. Steering by Starlight is no exception, even though it is not autobiographical like Expecting Adam and Leaving the Saints.

Martha Beck is a Life Coach, and Steering by Starlight is full of techniques she has used to successfully help her clients find their right lives.

Honestly, I wasn’t feeling a need for direction when I read the book. I picked it up because it was by Martha Beck. My husband leaving me threw me into a new life, and I have learned from that experience to listen to God’s guidance, and to pursue the passions God has given me.

So instead of turning me in a whole new direction, this book resonated with the things God was already doing in my life.

I don’t think I’ll try to intellectually summarize the book. In this book, Martha Beck speaks to the Stargazer inside of you. She says,

“In one of my previous books, I used the phrase ‘your own North Star’ as a metaphor for your right life, in order to avoid using the word destiny and its mystical nuances. But since writing that book, I’ve worked with well over a thousand clients, and I’ve seen that once they commit to following their own North Stars, the word mystical is a tame description of what actually unfolds. I’m skeptical of religion and superstition, and I believe there’s a scientific explanation for everything. But I also know from much experience that current science can’t begin to explain the things that will happen to you if you begin steering your life by starlight.”

Her book covers a wide array of concepts. Here are just a couple that rang true for me.

Several books I’ve read recently have said that you need to question your underlying assumptions — the beliefs you’ve grown up with that you simply assume are true. (Like, “Good people don’t get divorced.” or “Things can’t go so well much longer.” or “There will never be enough.”) I like the way Martha Beck describes these beliefs as coming from your “inner lizard.”

“The entire purpose of your reptilian brain is to continuously broadcast survival fears — alarm reactions that keep animals alive in the wild. These fears fall into two categories: lack and attack. On one hand, our reptilian brains are convinced that we lack everything we need: We don’t have enough love, time, money, everything. On the other hand, something terrible is about to happen. A predator — human or animal — is poised to snatch us! That makes sense if we’re hiding in a cave somewhere, but when we’re home in bed, our imaginations can fixate on catastrophes that are so vague and hard to ward off that they fill us with anxiety that has no clear action implication…. Every person’s fears are unique, but the themes of lack and attack are drearily repetitive.”

She has quite a few tips for dealing with your inner lizard, and I especially liked the one about finding the ridiculous side to the lizard’s fears:

“To the part of my mind that isn’t a terrified reptile, fear in the absence of an actual physical threat (such as, say, a grizzly bear) is always ridiculous because it’s not actionable — there’s nothing I can do about an imagined danger except develop ulcers and high blood pressure. Dealing with present dangers from a fearless place and letting go of all fears that can’t be addressed because they exist only in your fantasies is the only way to thrive.”

I also loved the section where she talks about how we grow from the painful experiences in our lives:

“Adopting the perspective of the Stargazer not only leads us toward our future best destinies but actually transmutes past unhappiness into treasure. This is because, in emotional terms, everything is made from its opposite. The raw material for joy is sorrow; the raw material for compassion is anger; the raw material for fearlessness is fear. This means that the very people who hurt you worst may turn out to have enriched you most. “Forgiveness” isn’t even an issue from the position of the Stargazer. Why would anyone bother to “forgive” someone who’d made them rich?”

I found this book packed with good concepts like that. I highly recommend it.

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Review of I Need Your Love — Is That True? by Byron Katie

Nonfiction Review, Personal Growth, Relationships, Stand-outs, Starred Review 0

i_need_your_love
I Need Your Love — Is That True?
How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead,
by Byron Katie
written with Michael Katz

Harmony Books, New York, 2005. 254 pages.
Starred Review
Sonderbooks Stand-out 2010: #5 Other Nonfiction

www.thework.com
www.crownpublishing.com

“Everyone agrees that love is wonderful, except when it’s terrible. People spend their whole lives tantalized by love — seeking it, trying to hold on to it, or trying to get over it. Not far behind love, as major preoccupations, come approval and appreciation. From childhood on, most people spend much of their energy in a relentless pursuit of these things, trying out different methods to be noticed, to please, to impress, and to win other people’s love, thinking that’s just the way life is. This effort can become so constant and unquestioned that we barely notice it anymore.

“This book takes a close look at what works and what doesn’t in the quest for love and approval. It will help you find a way to be happier in love and more effective in all your relationships without being manipulative or deceptive in any way. What you learn here will bring fulfillment to all kinds of relationships, including romantic love, dating, marriage, raising children, work, and friendship.”

One thing I like about Byron Katie’s books is that she does not tell you what to think. Instead, she has you examine your own thoughts and ask yourself:

Is it true?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Who would you be without that thought?

When it comes to needing people, she says,

“How do you know when you don’t need people? When they’re not in your life. How do you know when you do need them? When they are in your life. You can’t control the comings and goings of the people you care for. What you can do is have a good life whether they come or go. You can invite them, and they come or not, and whatever the result is, that’s what you need. Reality is the proof of it.”

Katie believes that whatever happens is good. As a Christian, I believe that God works all things together for good in my life. So maybe I’m coming from a different reason, but the result is the same: If something has happened, I know that God can bring good into my life through that.

Stressful thoughts so often involve believing that something that happened to me should not have happened, for example: “My husband should not have left me.” “My son should be more respectful.” “He is not treating me fairly.” “She is interfering in my life.”

Katie talks about “noticing and counting the beautiful reasons unexpected things happen for us.” If you look for the ways life events benefit you, you will be a much happier person. (“Who will I be without that stressful thought?”)

“Many people’s lives are constantly punctuated with little fits or tantrums in which they express their rejection of what’s happening….

“The more you stick to the belief that you’re in control, the more of these moments there are in your life. Some people reach a point where they’re fighting reality at every step along the way. That’s how they react to the thought ‘I’m calling the shots’ when no one seems to be listening. It’s a war zone in their minds.

“The alternative is to expect reality not to follow your plan. You realize that you have no ideas what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, and you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them, and the old plans don’t stop you from moving ahead, from flowing efficiently into the life beyond your schemes and expectations.”

This book focuses on love, approval, and relationships. Katie asks some excellent questions over the course of the book:

“How do you react when you believe the thought that you can find love and approval by making yourself more likable?”

“When you say ‘Thank you,’ are you handing someone a token, or are you expressing real gratitude?”

“What would it be like to live your truth without excusing, defending, explaining, or justifying your thoughts or actions to others?”

“Who would you be without the thought that you need to seek approval?”

“Who would you be without the thought that your happiness depends on someone else?”

“If you love me, you’ll do what I want — Is it true?”

I like her commentary on that last question:

“Horses grazing in a field unthinkingly stand head to tail, flicking the flies from each other’s faces. At night, they sleep standing up, resting their heads on each other’s shoulders. This is what peaceful reciprocation looks like. But ‘civilized’ people have learned how to use reciprocation to torture each other. All it takes is the belief that if I do something for you, you owe me something in return. If I give you my love, you’d better give me yours, or something of equal value.

“What happens if you don’t reciprocate? I take back my love and approval, and I give you resentment instead. The rules of each relationship dictate all the things you have to do or not do to avoid resentment. These rules aren’t written down or even spoken. You find out what they are by breaking them. When you see that I’m angry, you know that you’ve broken a rule. You did something you shouldn’t have, you came home too late or too early, you forgot to do or say something. Perhaps you should ask what you did wrong, but watch out: One of the rules may be that you’re supposed to know without asking.

“And of course, you find out about your rules for my behavior using the same method. How do you know when I broke a rule? When you get angry at me.

In any case, if you do your best to figure out all the rules and obey them, do you get my love? No. You get to tiptoe around me, so that you can minimize my anger and continue the relationship. Love seems to have disappeared. Where did it go? You can find out by questioning the thought, ‘If you love me, you’ll do what I want.'”

Reading Byron Katie’s books help me to grow in contentment, gratitude, peace and joy. They help me let go of thoughts that keep me from those things. It’s very easy to see the good in that!

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Review of Not Becoming My Mother, by Ruth Reichl

Biography, Musings, Nonfiction Review 0

not_becoming_my_mother
Not Becoming My Mother
And Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way
by Ruth Reichl

The Penguin Press, New York, 2009. p. 112

Not Becoming My Mother is a quick read that will leave you with a meditative smile.

Ruth Reichl explores her memories of her mother along with a collection of letters she left behind. She muses that her mother wanted Ruth’s life to be very different from her own, which indeed it was.

In Ruth’s mother’s day, marriage and a career were mutually exclusive. She made choices based on what her own mother wanted. She worked hard to make sure that her daughter would not follow that pattern.

This little book gets the reader thinking, along with Ruth, about life choices and mother-daughter patterns.

The title by no means reflects disrespect for her mother. On the contrary, she says,

“In her own oblique way Mom passed on all the knowledge she had gleaned, giving me the tools I needed not to become her. Believing that work, beauty, marriage and motherhood were the forces that had shaped her destiny, she tried to teach me how to do better at each of them than she had. . . .

“Growing up, I was utterly oblivious to the fact that Mom was teaching me all that. But I was instantly aware of her final lesson, which was hidden in her notes and letters. As I read them I began to understand that in the end you are the only one who can make yourself happy. More important, Mom showed me that it is never too late to find out how to do it.”

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Review of Walking with God, by John Eldredge

Christian, Musings, Nonfiction Review, Personal Growth, Starred Review, True Stories 0

walking_with_god.jpg

Walking with God

by John Eldredge

Thomas Nelson, 2008.  218 pages.

Starred review.

http://www.walkingwithgod.net/

The caption on the front of this book reads, “Talk to Him.  Hear from Him.  Really.”

When I was a young college student at Biola University, a popular book was Decision Making and the Will of God.  What I got out of this book was the idea that God didn’t care about the minute details of our lives.  You shouldn’t ask God what color shirt you should wear today or whether you should go to lunch early or late.  The book taught that God gives us moral guidelines in the Bible, and within those guidelines we can do what we want.  That God would be happy with either wonderful choice of a marriage partner, for example.

John Eldredge takes a different view.  He believes that we can share our daily lives with God, ask His counsel for large and small decisions, and accept His guidance.  Honestly, in the past few years as I’ve gone through the fire of being abandoned by my husband, God has been near to me like never before, and I’m finding He is indeed willing to come alongside and help and guide, as John Eldredge describes.  It was inspiring to read this account of someone who is trying to live his life, walking with God.

And the book takes more the form of a journal than of a manual.  John Eldredge takes the approach of describing his own walk with God so that we can see how it might look.

In the Introduction, he says:

“It is our deepest need, as human beings, to learn to live intimately with God.  It is what we were made for. . . .

“Really now, if you knew you had the opportunity to develop a conversational intimacy with the wisest, kindest, most generous and seasoned person in the world, wouldn’t it make sense to spend your time with that person, as opposed to, say, slogging your way through on your own?

“Whatever our situation in life — butcher, baker, candlestick maker — our deepest and most pressing need is to learn to walk with God.  To hear his voice.  To follow him intimately.  It is the most essential turn of events that could ever take place in the life of any human being, for it brings us back to the source of life.  Everything else we long for can then flow forth from this union.”

As the book begins, he describes why he believes intimacy with God is possible even today:

“Now, I know, I know — the prevailing belief is that God speaks to his people only through the Bible.  And let me make this clear: he does speak to us first and foremost through the Bible.  That is the basis for our relationship.  The Bible is the eternal and unchanging Word of God to us.  It is such a gift, to have right there in black and white God’s thoughts toward us.  We know right off the bat that any other supposed revelation from God that contradicts the Bible is not to be trusted.  So I am not minimizing in any way the authority of the Scripture or the fact that God speaks to us through the Bible.

“However, many Christians believe that God only speaks to us through the Bible.

“The irony of that belief is that’s not what the Bible says.

“The Bible is filled with stories of God talking to his people.  Abraham, who is called the friend of God, said, ‘The Lord, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father’s household and my native land and who spoke to me . . .’ (Genesis 24:7).  God spoke to Moses ‘as a man speaks with his friend’ (Exodus 33:11).  He spoke to Aaron too: ‘Now the Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron about the Israelites’ (Exodus 6:13).  And David: ‘In the course of time, David inquired of the Lord.  “Shall I go up to one of the towns of Judah?” he asked.  The Lord said, “Go up.”  David asked, “Where shall I go?”  “To Hebron,” the Lord answered’ (2 Samuel 2:1).  The Lord spoke to Noah.  The Lord spoke to Gideon.  The Lord spoke to Samuel.  The list goes on and on.

“I can hear the objections even now:  ‘But that was different.  Those were special people called to special tasks.’  And we are not special people called to special tasks?  I refuse to believe that.  And I doubt that you want to believe it either, in your heart of hearts.

“But for the sake of argument, notice that God also speaks to ‘less important’ characters in the Bible.  God spoke to Hagar, the servant girl of Sarah, as she was running away. . . .  In the New Testament, God speaks to a man named Ananias who plays a small role in seven verses in Acts 9. . . .

“Now, if God doesn’t also speak to us, why would he have given us all these stories of him speaking to others?  ‘Look — here are hundreds of inspiring and hopeful stories about how God spoke to his people in this and that situation.  Isn’t it amazing?  But you can’t have that.  He doesn’t speak like that anymore.’  That makes no sense at all.  Why would God give you a book of exceptions?  This is how I used to relate to my people, but I don’t do that anymore.  What good would a book of exceptions do you?  That’s like giving you the owner’s manual for a Dodge even though you drive a Mitsubishi.  No, the Bible is a book of examples of what it looks like to walk with God.”

Here is another book of examples, exploring the question of what it looks like to walk with God in today’s world.  There’s food for thought, and there’s inspiration and encouragement.

God, what is the life you want me to live?

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Review of The Power Is Within You, by Louise L. Hay

Health, Nonfiction Review, Personal Growth 0

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The Power Is Within You

by Louise L. Hay

Hay House, Carlsbad, California, 1991.  239 pages.

Recently I’ve discovered Louise Hay’s books, and I’m finding them uplifting and tremendously encouraging.  I have to admit that I’m not sure I’m convinced that it’s really so simple.  I’m not sure you can really heal your body’s illnesses, aches and pains with affirmations and changing your thoughts.

However, it certainly doesn’t do any harm!  And I do think that paying attention to my beliefs and speaking life-affirming, loving statements to myself has actually helped me be healthier.  It certainly puts me in a better mood, and that’s worth so much all by itself.

Here’s what Louise says in the introduction:

“I am not a healer.  I do not heal anyone.  I think of myself as a stepping stone on a pathway of self-discovery.  I create a space where people can learn how incredibly wonderful they are by teaching them to love themselves.  That’s all I do.  I’m a person who supports people.  I help people take charge of their lives.  I help them discover their own power and inner wisdom and strengths.  I help them get the blocks and the barriers out of the way, so they can love themselves no matter what circumstances they happen to be going through.  This doesn’t mean that we will never have problems, but it is how we react to the problem that makes a tremendous difference.

“After years of individual counseling with clients and conducting hundreds of workshops and intensive training programs across the country and around the world, I found that there is only one thing that heals every problem, and that is: to love yourself.  When people start to love themselves more each day, it’s amazing how their lives get better.  They feel better.  They get the jobs they want.  They have the money they need.  Their relationships either improve, or the negative ones dissolve and new ones begin.  It’s a very simple premise — loving yourself.  I’ve been criticized for being too simplistic, and I have found that the simple things are usually the most profound.”

Now, as a Christian, I was taught to be leery of anything that sounds so New Age as this.  However, Louise’s message is about changing to positive self-talk.  And almost all of her affirmations fit with what I believe about God.  (She may call Him “the Universe,” but I do believe that He is watching over me and loves me.)  If you don’t like using her affirmations, you can actually substitute similar Scripture verses or Christian songs — The idea is to work on your underlying beliefs, believing that good things are going to happen and that I am loved and valuable.

Again, maybe it seems simplistic, but even if it doesn’t improve your health as she claims, filling your mind with positive truths about the world certainly will improve your outlook.

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Review of Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, by Patricia Evans

Nonfiction Review, Relationships 0

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Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out

On Relationship and Recovery

by Patricia Evans

Bob Adams Publishers, Holbrook, Massachusetts, 1993.  260 pages.

I have now read all of Patricia Evans’ books on verbally abusive relationships.  All are very helpful for shedding light on a problem that’s surprisingly hard to recognize when you’re in the middle of it.

In Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Patricia Evans takes from the thousands of letters she has received from verbal abuse survivors after she wrote the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship.  She writes:

“I receive between one hundred and two hundred letters and notes a month from the survivors of verbally abusive relationships.  I read every single one.  Some survivors had been so devalued and undermined that they have even requested permission to send their thoughts and feelings on the subject.  Some letters are more than twenty pages long.  As I read these letters, I am often overwhelmed by the suffering they express.  Never would I have dreamt that there were so many, in so much pain, so silently enduring.  I am moved by the spirit of their quest for understanding and freedom from abuse and I am grateful and touched that they have taken their time to tell me their stories.  Often they do so, as they say, ‘. . . in case it may help someone else.'”

Anyone who has been or is in a verbally abusive relationship can read this book to know they are not alone.  Patricia Evans also uses the letters of verbal abuse survivors in order to illuminate and understand the problem.

If you are being devalued, undermined, accused, or defined, you are being verbally abused.  If your partner tries to tell you what your motives and thoughts are, you are being verbally abused.  The problem is real, and the problem is widespread.  And Patricia Evans’ books are helpful for survivors to understand how best to deal with the abuse.

Besides talking about the abuse and ways to deal with it, she also covers healing, recovery, and support, including a chapter of affirmations to build back up your spirit.

I like her concluding paragraph:

“We have been on a long journey with the Survivors.  They have spoken their truth with strength and determination, and in so doing they have given us a vision of freedom.  And even now, as this book ends, a new journey begins.  This journey is a movement toward awareness, meaning, and purpose; it is founded upon the infinite value of the human spirit.  To join in this journey, all we must do is speak our truth with courage and strength.  Truth is what dispels the prejudice, shatters the illusions, and breaks the bonds of verbal abuse.”

This echoes the Bible verse, “You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”  Amen.

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