Review of Staying Connected to Your Teenager, by Michael Riera

Nonfiction Review, Parenting, Relationships, Starred Review 0

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Staying Connected to Your Teenager

How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They’re Really Saying,

by Michael Riera, PhD

Starred review.

Perseus Publishing, 2003.  275 pages.

This book resonated with me.  My sons are 20 years old and 14 years old, and this book gave me good tips for dealing with both of them.  My older son just graduated from college, and my younger son is starting high school.  They’re growing past disciplinarian concerns.  Michael Riera puts into words what I really want in my relationship with my sons — connection.

His introduction says it well:

I respect teenagers a great deal, and I respect the parents of teenagers even more.  Nothing in a parent’s life is more trying, confusing, and frustrating than raising a teenager.  They are moody, self-centered, and full of mixed messages; at least that’s the way normal, healthy teenagers behave.  That will not change.  As the parent of a teenager, you know all too well that your job entails setting limits, having big talks, enforcing consequences, helping them to learn from their mistakes, and putting them on course for a happy and successful adulthood.  Talk about an exhausting task.

What I find curious, however, is that hardly anyone ever mentions the importance of staying connected to our teenagers throughout their adolescence.  Given the enormous To Do List  from the previous paragraph, why isn’t anybody addressing practical ways of staying connected to our teenagers throughout this trying time?  From a practical perspective, all the items on your To Do List  are handled more efficiently, more effectively, and more pleasantly when you are connected to your teenager.  For instance, research has shown that the emotional connection between adolescent girls and their parents (especially their mothers) significantly delays the onset of sexual activity.  When you are connected, everything else comes more easily and naturally.  And when they do misbehave — as they will — nothing worthwhile can happen until your connection is reestablished.  The number one complaint of the parents of teenagers is a lack of communication with their teenagers, but even in the face of this, if you are paying attention, thinking creatively, and maintaining your curiosity, your connection will hold steadfast despite the lack of regular heart-to heart talks.

Beyond effectiveness, there is another reason to maintain your connection with your teenager:  It’s fun.  Teenagers, for better and worse, are some of the most creative and fun people on the planet, and when you stay connected you, too, enjoy these aspects of your teenager; and in doing so, you regularly replenish your parenting batteries.  Besides, sharing humor itself promotes connection.  Or, as the humorist Victor Borge once said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people”….

This book looks directly at the connection between parent and teenager, and aims to give you solid, practical advice, ensconced in psychological and developmental research, on how to understand and how to improve the quality of your relationship with your teenager.

Indeed, Michael Riera succeeds brilliantly at making this a practical, encouraging book.  I was reading the chapter “Extend the Comfort Zone,” right when I was ready to take my son to get his driver’s license.  It so happens that a teen learning to drive is a prime example of a teen expanding his comfort zone in order to learn new skills.

By the end of a story like this, parents have a much better sense of what a comfort zone is and how and why their teenagers would choose to expand it.  It’s important that, as a parent, you are successful in supporting your teenager in expanding her comfort zone, because whenever you do so you deepen the connection you already have with her.  If, however, you push too hard or are too cautious, you miss golden opportunities.  Striking the right balance in this arena is an art form.

Reading Michael Riera’s advice was just in time to help turn the trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles into a positive experience between my son and me.

This book is positive and encouraging.  It shows you how you can use your own common sense to help your teen learn to use his own common sense.  I like the way Michael Riera encourages you to get your teens focusing on their own integrity.  They know how they should act — if you tell them how they should act, they probably won’t want to do it, though.

I think I’m going to buy myself a copy of this book, so I can refer back to it often in the next several years.  It is wise, encouraging, and practical.  And it helps you see what you truly want your teen to grow into — a responsible adult with opinions of his own, who still loves and cares about you, and enjoys discussing those opinions with you.

Here are some excellent quotations from the book:

http://sonderbooks.com/sonderquotes/?s=Riera

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Review of Flirting with Pride and Prejudice

Austenalia, Nonfiction Review, Starred Review 0

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Flirting with Pride & Prejudice

Fresh Perspectives on the Original Chick-Lit Masterpiece

edited by Jennifer Crusie

Benbella Books, Dallas, Texas, 2005.  230 pages.

Starred Review.

Ah, tremendous fun!  This book talks about Pride and Prejudice, plays with Pride and Prejudice, and reveals that other people have their little foibles and weaknesses about Pride and Prejudice, just as I do.  (And what an amazing number of people have a crush on Colin Firth!)

The authors who contributed cover a wide range, with Chick Lit writers particularly well-represented.  Some of the essays are even written by men!  (Well, two.)

I recently bought and viewed Becoming Jane, and my sister-in-law gave me the Collector’s Edition of Pride and Prejudice (with Colin Firth) and I found myself quite taken in by the accompanying book of behind the scenes stories of making the movie.  So I was definitely in the mood for this book.

Of course, I have my own stories about my love of Jane Austen.  I did my Sophomore English Literature paper on her and ended up using the time to read every one of her books — and then wrote the paper staying up all night the night before.

I confess that I regularly reread her books.  I was recently captivated by a photo-illustrated edition of Pride and Prejudice put out by Dorling Kindersley, which I found in the library and couldn’t resist.  I’m planning to watch Becoming Jane all over again, with commentary, which isn’t something I normally do.

So — I definitely enjoyed reading other people’s musings on the subject of Jane Austen and her immortal characters.  What is it about Mr. Darcy that enchants us?  How about Elizabeth?  And do we think that Charlotte Lucas was a sell-out, or just practical-minded?

There are a wide variety of offerings here, from discussions to confessions to playful rewritings to new stories.  I liked the story Mercedes Lackey wrote about what might have happened if one of her own characters had gone to a party at Pemberley hosted by Elizabeth Darcy.  Jennifer Coburn compared Pride and Prejudice with Fiddler on the Roof.  Several discussed the implications of capturing the book on film.  I enjoyed Laura Resnick’s essay on Bollywood’s wonderful musical Bride and Prejudice, and what things translated well and what things didn’t.  Of course, there were several discussions of Mr. Darcy.  Teresa Medeiros’ title said it well:  “My Darling Mr. Darcy:  Why is the Unattainable so Irresistible?”  I also enjoyed Jill Winters’ take on the passionate secret life Mary Bennett was living behind the scenes.

I don’t need to say any more.  Those who are as enchanted with all things Austen as I am will want to read it just as soon as they find out the book exists.  Enjoy!

Thinner thighs and darker chocolate may not always be within our grasp, but thanks to Jane Austen, a brooding Englishman with an inscrutable gaze and good teeth will always remain just at our fingertips. — Teresa Medeiros

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Review of Dreams from My Father, by Barack Obama

Current Issues, Nonfiction Review, True Stories 0

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Dreams from My Father:  A Story of Race and Inheritance,

by Barack Obama

Crown Publishers, New York, 2004.  First published in 1995.  442 pages.

http://www.crownpublishing.com/

My Auntie Sue wanted me to read this book so much, she sent me a copy.  Thank you, Auntie Sue!

And I admit, it was down low in my pile of books to read for quite awhile.  Once I did finally open it up and look inside, I was quickly hooked.  Whatever else you might say about Barack Obama, he does have a way with words.

This book was written before Senator Obama started his political career, so it’s not a story about politics.  Instead, it’s a story of growing up as someone who felt like an outsider.  He was naturally forced to think deeply about questions of race and questions of belonging.

Barack Obama was brought up by his white mother and her parents, in Hawaii.  His father was an international student from Kenya.  The father went to study at Harvard, but didn’t have the money to bring his family with him, and ended up going back to Kenya on his own.

Later, Barack’s mother married an Indonesian, so he grew up in Hawaii and Indonesia, and went to college in California.

This book covers those growing up years, his years working as a community organizer in Chicago, and then a trip to Kenya where he met family members on his father’s side and learned about the father he only met when he was ten years old.

As a child growing up in a white family with brothers and sisters from Africa, as an American who spent several formative years living in Indonesia, Barack Obama is in a unique position to reflect on race in America, on community and belonging, as well as on attitudes about poverty that have similarities worldwide.

This is fascinating and thought-provoking reading.  Now I will try to get my hands on his later book, The Audacity of Hope.

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Review of The Complete Peanuts, 1967 to 1968

Humorous, Nonfiction Review 0

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The Complete Peanuts:  1967 to 1968:  Dailies and Sundays:  The Definitive Collection of Charles M. Schulz’s Comic Strip Masterpiece

by Charles M. Schulz

introduction by John Waters

Fantagraphics Books, 2008.  325 pages.

Hooray for Fantagraphics Books!  This is now the ninth volume of The Complete Peanuts series, publishing every single comic strip from Peanuts, from the day it began in 1950.

In the 1967 to 1968 volume, we’re getting into the classic Peanuts that I knew and loved as a little girl.

There’s a strip that I think epitomizes this golden age of Peanuts:  Franklin comes into the neighborhood, looking for Charlie Brown.  He meets Lucy in her psychiatrist booth and Snoopy wearing his Red Baron goggles.  When Linus tries to tell him about the Great Pumpkin, that’s the last straw.  Franklin can’t handle it.  As Franklin tells this to Charlie Brown, Schroeder comes up and says, “Hi!  Did you guys know there are only sixty more days until Beethoven’s birthday?”  Franklin’s comment is “Like, wow!”  (Remember, this is the Sixties.)

Yes, in this period, each character was fully into his own neuroses.

I was also surprised to discover, in this volume, a strip about military musicians.  Naturally, it’s between Lucy and Schroeder:

Lucy says, “In a way, you’re quite lucky Schroeder..  If you ever go into the army, they won’t put you in the front lines…  You could play the piano for the officers while they eat!”

Schroeder’s reaction?  AAUGH!

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Review of Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie

Nonfiction Review, Personal Growth, Relationships, Starred Review 0

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Beyond Codependency:  And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie

Harper/Hazelden, San Francisco, 1989.  252 pages.

Starred Review.

In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie explains codependency to those trapped in it, and helps them start down the road to recovery.

In Beyond Codependency, she celebrates recovery and revels in the fact that life does get better.

She says herself, “Codependent No More, my last book, was about stopping the pain and gaining control of our lives.  This book is about what to do when the pain has stopped and we’ve begun to suspect we have lives to live.  It’s about what happens next.”

As such, this is a hopeful, encouraging, and uplifting book.

Here are some examples of quotations I found helpful:

http://sonderbooks.com/sonderquotes/?s=Beyond+Codependency

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Review of Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie

Nonfiction Review, Old Favorites, Personal Growth, Relationships, Stand-outs, Starred Review 0

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Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie

Hazelden, 1987.  231 pages.

Sonderbooks Stand-out 2008:  #5, Personal Growth

Starred Review

Codependent No More is by now a classic work on codependency.  If you want to understand what people are talking about when they mention “struggling with codependency,” this book is a good place to turn.

My friend Doris Rauseo gave me this copy of the book when I was a newlywed.  Interesting.  I have a feeling she saw many codependent traits in me which I was oblivious to.  Though I did read it and thought it had some good ideas.  However, 20 years later, I found the book in my moving boxes, and reading it now as an abandoned wife, I could suddenly see myself clearly.

Who is a Codependent?  The author describes in the introduction how as she became a codependent she began to understand them better:

“I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again.  They were that angry because anyone who had tolerated what they had would be that angry.

“They were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control.  Always, the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone.  And nobody but them seemed to notice or care.

“I saw people who manipulated because manipulation appeared to be the only way to get anything done.  I worked with people who were indirect because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of tolerating honesty.

“I worked with people who thought they were going crazy because they had believed so many lies they didn’t know what reality was.

“I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people’s problems they didn’t have time to identify or solve their own.  These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves.  The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack.

“I saw hurting, confused people who needed comfort, understanding, and information.”

In this book, Melody Beattie manages to convey comfort, understanding, and information.  She helps you understand what codependency is, and helps you understand why sometimes being helpful ends up being hurtful.

Best of all, she offers hope of recovery:

“Codependency is many things.  It is a dependency on people — on their moods, behaviors, sickness or well-being, and their love.  It is a paradoxical dependency.  Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent.  They look strong but feel helpless.  They appear controlling but in reality are controlled themselves, sometimes by an illness such as alcoholism.

“These are the issues that dictate recovery.  It is solving these problems that makes recovery fun.  Many recoveries from problems that involve a person’s mind, emotions, and spirit are long and grueling.  Not so, here.  Except for normal human emotions we would be feeling anyway, and twinges of discomfort as we begin to behave differently, recovery from codependency is exciting.  It is liberating.  It lets us be who we are.  It lets other people be who they are.  It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel, and act.  It feels good.  It brings peace.  It enables us to love ourselves and others.  It allows us to receive love — some of the good stuff we’ve all been looking for.  It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy.  And recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us have been living with.

“Recovery is not only fun, it is simple.  It is not always easy, but it is simple.  It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned:  Each person is responsible for him- or herself.  It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to:  taking care of ourselves.  In the second half of this book, we’ll discuss specific ideas for doing that.”

This is a helpful, encouraging, and liberating book.

Here are more quotations that struck me as I read it:

http://sonderbooks.com/sonderquotes/?s=Codependent+No+more

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Review of Aristotle and an Aardvark Go To Washington

Current Issues, Humorous, Nonfiction Review 0

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Aristotle and an Aardvark Go to Washington:  Understanding Political Doublespeak Through Philosophy and Jokes, by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein

Abrams Image, New York, 2007.  191 pages.

http://www.aristotleandanaardvark.com/

http://www.platoandaplatypus.com/

http://www.abramsimage.com/

http://www.hnabooks.com/

Here’s a book about logic, explaining formal and informal fallacies.  Doesn’t that sound delightful?  Oh, perhaps I’m in the minority with that opinion.

However, where your run-of-the-mill logic textbook will illustrate its points with p’s and q’s and made-up arguments, this book uses statements made by actual politicians to illustrate the fallacies.  Where those don’t make the point clearly enough, they’ve also used jokes.

The authors say themselves:

“The field of logic — much of it rooted in the writings of the early Greeks — demonstrates what rules need to be followed to go from true propositions to correct conclusions.  Or to put it the other way around, it shows how we can be tricked by logical fallacies, what logicians call formal fallacies.  Epistemology instructs us in what we can deem knowable and why, including how we can sensibly talk about what we are able to know.  That field has given rise to conceptual analysis, a rigorous technique for analyzing language and, well, digging out bullshit in all its varieties.  As to rhetoric and psychology, they show how our minds and emotions can be manipulated by loaded language. . . .

“But hold the phone!  Lest anyone think this stuff is dry as a prairie patty, you should know that we are of the Philogag School of Philosophy, the school that maintains that any philosophical concept worth understanding has a great gag lurking inside it.  As we shovel our way through the political patty field, we will uncover not only deceptions, but — more importantly — jokes that point at them and say ‘Gotcha!'”

I challenge anyone to read this book without laughing out loud!

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Review of The Sweet Potato Queens’ Field Guide to Men

Delightfully Silly, Humorous, Light Reading, Musings, Nonfiction Review, Relationships, Romance 0

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The Sweet Potato Queens’ Field Guide to Men:  Every Man I Love Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead, by Jill Conner Browne

Well, this book is very irreverent and, how shall I say this?  Not very respectful toward men.  But oh my goodness, it is funny! 

As the author says herownself:  “The reader should not infer any degree of fairness intended by these descriptions; they are used purely for the sake of conversation and, we hope, for laughs.  It is not in my job description to be fair to men or to even seem fair to them.  It’s a little late in the history of the entire world to introduce an element of fairness, and beyond even my considerable powers to bring it to bear, anyway.”

She goes on to describe, with great hilarity, many types of men you’ll find out there:  The Bud Spud, the Dud Spud, the Crud Spud, the Fuddy-Dud Spud, the Pud Spud, the Blood Spud (also known as the Man Who May Need Killing), the Scud Spud, and finally every woman’s dream, the Spud Stud.

And so it goes.  I should mention that Jill Conner Browne does not confine herself to mocking men, but also gives plenty of hearty laughter toward those of us who love them — and the things we’ll go through to try to attract them.

I’m afraid, in my present Being-Divorced state, the chapter I found most utterly hilarious was “Surviving the Wang Wars” about all the delightful ways women have gotten revenge on men who didn’t treat them as well as they deserved.

“Alas and alack, love does occasionally derail, and when it does, it usually wipes out entire neighborhoods, releases a massive cloud of terminally toxic gas, and the cleanup can take years.  And while it may be true that it is not always their fault when things go awry, it is no less true that we certainly believe that it’s always their fault and we want 100 percent of all the blame to be laid not so much at their feet but rather on top of their bodies, making it impossible for them to breathe and continue living in any real sense of the word.  What would really make us just oh so happy is to be allowed to murder them ten different times in ten different ways and then finally feed the remains to the wood chipper.  But hardly anybody ever really gets to do that.  And so, barring that ultimate satisfaction, a number of Queens have demonstrated characteristic Queenly Resourcefulness in their dealings with errant mates in ways that are not likely to land the perpetrator in the slammer, and that’s a Good Thing.  I share them with you as food for thought — fodder for your consideration as alternative strategies should you find yourself currently in possession of a man who is just beggin’ to be killed.”

Now, I should mention that the Sweet Potato Queens do not advocate criminal activity.   Jill Conner Browne says, “Even in Louisiana they will sometimes put you in jail if you kill one.  We’ve stated repeatedly that we are unequivocally against killin’ ’em, even when they practically beg for it by their every word and deed.  If you do, you will miss quite a few St. Paddy’s parades in Jackson while running from the law, and you’ll be a Yam on the Lam.”

if you’re feeling tempted to commit violence, The Sweet Potato Queens will get you laughing so hard about it, you won’t need to any longer.

With lots of silly but all too true insights, I think the uplifting message of the book is summarized in this paragraph:

“Throughout this book, I’ve been carrying on about men and finding them and getting them and keeping them and deciding whether or not to kill them, and if so, how, and so on.  And that’s all funny and mostly true and all that, but the real truth is you are enough — just the way you are, just who you are.  You are a complete entity, a whole person, right there in the skin you’re in.  You don’t need to have a guy to be happy.  Admit it:  You have more fun with a gang of girlfriends than you’ve had on the absolute best date of your entire life.  If somebody comes along who treats you right and makes you happy and you can do the same for him, well, that’s just dandy.  But I’m telling you, the only way that I know to get and keep a happy, healthy relationship is first to create a happy and healthy life for yourself without one.  This is your life to live.”

Preach it, Sister!

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Review of Persepolis, by Marjane Satrapi

Graphic Novel, Historical, Nonfiction Review, True Stories 0

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Persepolis:  The Story of a Childhood, by Marjane Satrapi

Pantheon, New York, 2003.  Orginally published in France in 2000.  153 pages.

Here is a biography told in comic book form.  The story is absorbing, and the black and white illustrations convey much emotion.

Marjane Satrapi was ten years old in 1980 in Iran, when girls at her school were required to wear the veil.  I love the picture of all the little girls horsing around with the veils they did not want to wear.

The book outlines a difficult period of upheaval, from her perspective as a girl just wanting to enjoy life.  We see the rise and fall of political heroes as well as the rise and fall of the family’s hopes.

At the Fairfax County Library, the book is shelved as an adult biography, but it’s also recommended for older teens.  There are some heavy themes of war and death and even bargaining with God.

This book holds a powerful story that will stick with you.

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Review of Overcoming Passive-Aggression

Nonfiction Review, Personal Growth, Relationships 0

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Overcoming Passive-Aggression

How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness

by Tim Murphy, PhD, and Loriann Hoff Oberlin

Although this book wasn’t quite as helpful as the book Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man, by Scott Wetzler, by seeming a little more glib in the solutions offered, it still shed valuable light on the problem.

The authors describe passive-aggression as rooted in hidden anger.  So taking a closer look at the behaviors resulting from passive-aggression help to blow away the cover.

Here is what they say about hidden anger:

“Hidden anger is:

— Indirect, incongruent, and unproductive behavior

— Subtle, manipulative actions or inactivity

— Consciously planned, intentional, or slyly vindictive; or it can be unconscious

— Part of a dysfunctional pattern of dealing with others

— Allowing the perpetrator to deny responsibility for it and often appear as the victim

— Stalling because it doesn’t move toward resolution; it blocks resolution

— Motivated by the intent to hurt, annoy, or destroy

— Triggered by needs that haven’t been met or based upon irrational fears/beliefs

— Never positive because of its manipulative and indirect nature

— Toxic to relationships and groups of people, especially over time

— Self-perpetuating, powerful, and rarely, if ever, appropriate

Rest assured, if hidden anger is unleashed upon you, you will likely end up feeling like the bad character.  You know there is a problem.  You can sense it.  Only, it nags at you because you’re not sure who is responsible, why it’s happening, and what to do about it.”

This book is helpful because it will help open your eyes to underlying anger, whether in yourself or others, so it can no longer be hidden. 

The authors help you understand why hidden anger is harmful, and gives you ideas for changing.  They also discuss “enablers,” people caught in a cycle of behavior that encourages someone else to continue their passive-aggressive behavior.  They give strategies for breaking out of the cycle, in many different situations.

The authors do point out that hidden anger is a huge and pervasive problem in separation and divorce.

“Though plenty of people having separated or divorced may claim, ‘I’m not angry,’ neither of us has really encountered anyone unscathed by this process.  Unless the union and all you’d done with your life in the company of this person meant absolutely nothing to you, the anger is there all right, only it may remain hidden.

“In my practice, I met parents telling me that their son or daughter was fine with their getting a divorce.  In 99.9 percent of the cases, I’m afraid that just wasn’t so.  The child may not show any visible signs, but rest assured there is some deep emotion there.  It was either very visible or extremely well-hidden anger.

“But as we’ve said so often, if you’ve contributed somehow to your anger or to your children’s anger, then you have a greater capacity to be part of the solution as well.  It’s probably nowhere more important than in divorced families.  When you don’t do this important growth work — encouraging your children to do the same — learning to openly communicate and move beyond silenced anger, that’s when we see children caught in the middle of a silent, or subtly antagonistic war between their parents.”

All in all, this is an eye-opening and helpful book.  Because passive-aggression is about hiding anger, reading a book to understand it better is definitely a step in the right direction.

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This review is posted on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/overcoming_passive_aggression.html