Category: Relationships

Controlling People

How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You

by Patricia Evans

Adams Media Corporation, Avon, Massachusetts, 2002.  300 pages.

Starred Review.

http://www.patriciaevans.com/

http://www.verbalabuse.com/

A friend recommended Patricia Evans’ first book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, to me.  I found what I began so helpful, I checked out all of her books.  I seem to be finishing them in the opposite order in which they were written.  However, I am finding each book tremendously helpful.

Controlling People helps make sense of behavior that seems inexplicable.  I read most of this book at a time when my mind kept spinning, trying to understand how someone I loved could say some things that seemed completely outrageous.  The scenario described in this book enabled me to understand more clearly how this could be, and strengthened me to keep from the conclusion that I was somehow the crazy one to think this behavior unacceptable.

In the introduction, Patricia Evans says, “You are not alone in your desire to understand the problem of control.  Thousands of people have asked me, “Why would anyone act ‘like that’?”  They describe the way they’ve been treated, and they wonder what compels one to try to control others.  “Why don’t most people who try to control others see that they’re being oppressive?  Are they under a spell or what?” they ask.

“Many people have also asked why they can’t seem to stop attempting to control others, even when these destructive behaviors are driving their loved ones away.  They often say that something seems to “come over” them and things “go wrong.”  At times, they are so unaware of their behavior and its impact that they don’t realize that anything has gone wrong until it’s too late — a loved one has left or violence has erupted….

“This book is a quest to find answers to these questions.  It will take us on a journey of exploration through a maze of senseless behaviors woven into our world.  By the end of our journey we’ll be in a new place with a new perspective on the problem of control.  And the journey itself may very well be spell-breaking.”

She talks about how and why verbal abuse is based on pretending:

“If someone defines you, even in subtle ways, they are pretending to know the unknowable.  There is a quality of fantasy to their words and sometimes to their actions.  Even so, they are usually unaware of the fact that they are playing “let’s pretend.”  They fool themselves and sometimes others into thinking that what they are saying is true or that what they are doing is right.

“When people “make up” your reality — as if they were you — they are trying to control you, even when they don’t realize it.

“When people attempt to control you they begin by pretending.  When they define you they are acting in a senseless way.  They are pretending.  When people act as if you do not exist or are not a real person with a reality of your own … they are pretending.  In this subtle and often unconscious way, they are attempting to exert control over you — your space, time, resources, or even your life.

“We know that they are pretending because in actual fact, no one can tell you what you want, believe, should do, or why you have done what you have done.  No one can know your inner reality, your intentions, your motives, what you think, believe, feel, like, dislike, what you know, how you do what you do, or who you are.  If someone does pretend to know your inner reality:  “You’re trying to start a fight,” they have it backwards.  People can only know themselves.  It doesn’t work the other way around.

“Since you can only define yourself, your self-definition is yours.  It isn’t necessary that you prove it or explain it.  It is, after all, your own.  Self-definition is inherent in being a person.

“Despite the evidence, it is difficult for many people to realize that the person who defines them is not being rational.  They feel inclined to defend themselves as if the person defining them were rational.  But by trying to defend themselves against someone’s definitions, they are acknowledging those definitions as valid, that they make sense, when they are, in fact, complete nonsense.”

Patricia Evans goes on to explain how someone can fall into this trap of building up a Pretend Person whom they anchor in the body of their loved one.  When the real person acts differently than the way the Pretend Person is supposed to act, including not knowing or not agreeing with their own thoughts and feelings, then they naturally get very angry.

The sad thing is that these Controllers are trying to connect with someone, but end up with severe disconnection.

The author doesn’t leave it at that.  She does offer suggestions for how to become a Spellbreaker and break the spell that Controllers seem to be operating under.  Even if the Controller in your life does not change, she shows you ways to break out of the influence of the spell yourself.  At the very least, the understanding of the dynamics involved helps break the crazy-making aspects of being exposed to these irrational behaviors.

This is a valuable and helpful book.  If any of this sounds the slightest bit familiar, I highly recommend reading further.  Patricia Evans goes into great depth and great detail about this pervasive problem, even covering groups connected by hate.  Ultimately, her message is one of great hope.

“Instead of acting to keep Pretend Person “alive” by means of fear, intimidation, and dominance, former Controllers find that they can accept and give love freely.  Their strength flows from spirit full enough to nurture another, alive enough to act toward good, clear enough to understand, faithful enough to wait and see, fearless enough to reveal the truth, free enough to choose to learn, courageous enough to stand alone, connected enough to love the other.”

Buy from Amazon.com

Find this review on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/controlling_people.html

Forgive for Love

The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship

by Dr. Fred Luskin

HarperOne, 2007.  234 pages.

Starred Review.

http://www.learningtoforgive.com/

http://www.harperone.com/

After my husband left me, I did a lot of reading about forgiveness.  What do you do when your life falls apart?  Well, I look to books to help.

Of all the books I read about forgiveness, the one that made a breakthrough for me in helping me actually DO it (instead of just thinking about doing in) was Dr. Luskin’s earlier book, Forgive for Good.  (http://www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/forgive_for_good.html)

The key thought that helped me was this:  This person has already hurt me.  Why in the world should I give them power to continue to hurt me by brooding over that hurt?  And he has some practical tips to help you get your mind away from all the ways you were wronged.

I thought that book was so outstanding, when I learned that Dr. Luskin had written a book about forgiving in the context of romantic relationships, I knew I had to read it.

So much of this book rang true for me, quotes from it fill up five pages of my Sonderquotes blog (http://sonderbooks.com/sonderquotes/?s=luskin+forgive+love).

I have come to believe, along with Dr. Luskin, that forgiveness is the essential key to a lasting marriage.

“Think about it.  The centrality of commitment in relationships is expressed through the marriage vows, which ask us to love our partners through richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, and for better and for worse until death.  That means that we promise to love them when they are not doing well, when they have failed, when life is not exactly turning out as hoped, or when we’re going through a financial reversal.  What I see in the marriage vows is a basic prescription:  if we want our relationships to last, we better be prepared to forgive.”

But Dr. Luskin doesn’t only tell us we should forgive, he also shows us how.  This book is full of wise and practical tips toward becoming a better forgiver, and thus a better lover.

As he says in the final chapter, “Both the good news and the bad news about being in a relationship is that you will get many opportunities to practice forgiveness.”

Buy from Amazon.com

Find this review on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/forgive_for_love.html

The Verbally Abusive Man

Can He Change?

A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

by Patricia Evans

Adams Media, Avon, Massachusetts, 2006.  269 pages.

Starred review.

http://www.verbalabuse.com/

http://www.adamsmedia.com/

When you think of verbal abuse, most people think of name-calling, yelling or swearing.  Patricia Evans gives us a clear definition.  I knew I didn’t like it at all when someone talks to me as described here.  Now I understand why.  It is verbal abuse.

She gives a clear definition, a definition that enables me to spot exactly which sentences are not only not true, they are abusive.

“Verbal abuse defines people in some negative way, and it creates emotional pain and mental anguish when it occurs in a relationship….

“Any statement that tells you what, who, or how you are, or what you think, feel, or want, is defining you and is, therefore, abusive.  Such statements suggest an invasion of your very being, as if to say, ‘I’ve looked within you and now I’ll tell you what you want, feel, etc.’  Similarly, threats are verbally abusive because, like torture, they attempt to limit your freedom to choose and thus to define yourself.  Of course, if you have defined yourself to someone, ‘I’m Suzy’s Mom,’ and that person says, ‘That’s Suzy’s Mom,’ they are affirming or validating what you have said.  On the other hand, verbal abuse is a lie told to you or told to others about you.  If you believe the lie, it would lead you to think that you are not who you are or that you are less than you are….

“Another common way the abuser defines his partner is by walking away when she is asking a question, or mentioning something, or even in the middle of a conversation.  By withholding a response, he defines her as nonexistent.”

Here is a nice explanation of why being defined negatively by your partner is so painful:

“Clearly, when one person defines the other, the person doing the defining (abusing), has closed off from the real person.  When a person is told what they are, think, feel, and so forth, it is not only a lie told to them about themselves, but also it means that the abuser is closed off from the real person.  The abuser cannot really hear, see, and take in information from the real person.  It is as if he sees someone else.  For instance, if the abuser says, ‘You’re too sensitive’ or ‘You’re not listening,’ he is talking to someone whom he defines as ‘made wrong’ or as ‘not listening.’  So, the real person isn’t seen or heard.  It is as if a wall has arisen between the verbally abusive man and his partner.  This is why, when a man defines his partner, she feels pain.  At some level, she experiences the end of the relationship.” 

One refreshing thing about this book is that the author does NOT blame the person being abused for the abuse she receives.  However, she does help you understand better what’s going on and equip you to respond more effectively.

The crux of this book is about giving the abuser a wakeup call in the form of an Agreement — an Agreement for both parties in the relationship.  She also gives the reader guidelines as to whether the abuser is likely to actually change back to a loving, empathetic partner.

Even if the relationship is not in a place where you can use the Agreement, this book is invaluable in its presentation of how to respond to verbal abuse.

One important point is to learn not to try to respond to verbal abuse with logic.  That only dignifies his viewpoint, as if it had a basis in reality.  If you think about it rationally, how can he possibly know what your motives are?  Verbal abuse is inherently irrational, so defending yourself with a rational argument is an ineffective response.

“Realizing that verbal abuse is not rational, it becomes clear that the man indulging in it can’t hear a rational response from his partner.  But it is difficult for the partner not to respond with a rational explanation.  For instance, she may say she didn’t deserve to be yelled at, or she didn’t do what she is being accused of, even when she knows that rational explanations just won’t work.  It takes enormous conscious effort for the partner not to explain herself to her mate.  It usually seems to her that he is rational and will apologize and not do it again.

“Women often talk about how hard it is to remember that there is no point in their ever responding rationally to verbal abuse, even when they know that verbal abuse is a lie.  However, it is important for you to keep in mind that since the verbal abuse is a lie, it is incomprehensible.  You must decide to see it as so untrue, so unimaginable, so unreal, that you simply say, ‘What?’ or ‘What did you say?’ or ‘What are you doing?’  This may gently prod him toward hearing himself if he starts defining you in any way.

“If in the past you told him, ‘Stop!’ when he was abusive and he didn’t, it is likely that he accused you of being abusive, saying, ‘Now you’re giving me orders and trying to control me.  That’s abuse!’

“A good response to this lie is to simply say, ‘What?’ or even, ‘Did I just hear you tell me what I was trying to do?  What did you say?’  After all, he just told you what your motives were and what you were trying to do, as if he were you….

“Ultimately, since you know that blaming is a category of verbal abuse, it should be easier not to blame yourself in any way for his behavior.  You can see it as abusive no matter how much he blames you, tells you that you ‘made’ him mad, or tells you that it is your fault.”

If you still have a relationship with the verbal abuser, this book does offer hope of change: specific steps you can take to issue a wake-up call. 

Even if the book only verifies that change is not likely, I found it well worth the cover price for two key ideas that it presented:

— Defining verbal abuse so you can easily recognize it and won’t be tempted to believe it.

— Teaching you to respond to it as incomprehensible, not as something you can reason away.

As with some other books I have read on unpleasant topics, I can’t help but think of the Bible verse, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”  Understanding and naming the situation you’ve been living in is a huge step toward healing and being better able to cope.

This is truly a wonderful, helpful, and healing book.

Buy from Amazon.com

Find this review on the main site at www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/verbally_abusive_man.html

Beyond Codependency:  And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie

Harper/Hazelden, San Francisco, 1989.  252 pages.

Starred Review.

In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie explains codependency to those trapped in it, and helps them start down the road to recovery.

In Beyond Codependency, she celebrates recovery and revels in the fact that life does get better.

She says herself, “Codependent No More, my last book, was about stopping the pain and gaining control of our lives.  This book is about what to do when the pain has stopped and we’ve begun to suspect we have lives to live.  It’s about what happens next.”

As such, this is a hopeful, encouraging, and uplifting book.

Here are some examples of quotations I found helpful:

http://sonderbooks.com/sonderquotes/?s=Beyond+Codependency

Buy from Amazon.com

Find this review on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/beyond_codependency.html